I don’t know to love him

Well, twathoop did turn up last night… at fooking 12.30 am, while I was in bed! He’d been out all day, absolutely wrecked, fell asleep in the taxi home and the driver couldn’t wake him up so he took him to A & E! Where he did come to, he then argued with some nurses! The taxi apparently then took him to Shirebrook to get some money to pay for the HUGE fare, before getting dropped off at my house… not really sure why?? Anyway, he then decided to try and bang on the bedroom wall to wake next door up… again not really sure why? Before keeping me awake for 3 hours talking to me, then when he finally fell asleep he was snoring like a pig! So I am now sat at my desk, completely knackered. Went to wake him up this morning to take him home before I came to work and he wouldn’t wake up, then when he did, he decided he’d rather stay there all day… yeah righto! So I’ve ragged him out of bed and took him home! So, I’m back to being confused… I mean it is, sort of a good sign that he shows up at my house,  cos I suppose, that does mean that he thinks about me, but on the flip side, I could live without it! I don’t know… it’s hard!! I’ve been listening to my ‘Andrew Lloyd Webber’ Collection CD (Yeah, go on laugh away… but I quite like some of the Musical Songs!) And I listened to ‘I don’t know how to love him’ from Jesus Christ Superstar, and I think it about sums up how I feel about him… 

I don’t know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I’ve been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I’ve seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don’t know how to take this.
I don’t see why he moves me.
He’s a man. He’s just a man.
And I’ve had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He’s just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I’d come to this.
What’s it all about?
Don’t you think it’s rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I’m the one who’s always been
So calm, so cool, no lover’s fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I’d come to this.
What’s it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I’d be lost. I’d be frightened.
I couldn’t cope, just couldn’t cope.
I’d turn my head. I’d back away.
I wouldn’t want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

 

Doesn’t really help me decide what to do though does it… I wish I was ‘strong enough’ to tell him to f**k off, but I’m not really sure if that’s what I want… If I’m honest, I like the excitement of him turning up at that time (I don’t like being knackered though…) but surely we can’t carry on like this forever?!?

Hanging out me arse…

I have had a very drunken weekend – again! Friday night was fantastic, there were loads of us out and it was a proper proper laugh! I got absolutely out my tree drunk! And, unsurprisingly, I texted twat hoop. He was then texting me all night… must have exchanged 20 odd texts (don’t really know what any of them said as I was that drunk) and I pretty much demanded that he stay awake until I got in and then come round – which he did. We had a fantastic night, sat chatting on the sofa for a while and then we were laid in bed chatting for a good few hours. It was nice cos he was telling me personal things about his past, and he’s never done that before. But, at the same time, we were messing about and having a laugh. I feel a little better about things now, not much but I suppose anything is better than nothing. I didn’t see him last night, I’m hoping to see him later but I don’t think I will. Although he did say on Friday that he was coming up to the village club at lunchtime today, so if he does, he might come round after like he did last time… Guess I’ll just have to wait and see!  

Yesterday, it was my little cousins birthday party which was mental. But after all the kids had gone home, we stayed at Emma’s for beer/bbq all my uncles were there and it was a real laugh. Considering I started drinking at about 5 pm and up until about 11 am I was still drunk from Friday, I was well wrecked!! I’ve woke up two mornings on the trot now, completely hanging out my arse!! Great Stuff…. And it’s now only 2 weeks til Andy goes to Magaluf, I’m sooo excited about that weekend. Sue’s having a party type thing at hers on the Friday, and even though it’s only down the street I’ve booked the babysitter cos then I ant got to keep an eye on what Abigail’s doing, plus she’ll only get bored and want to go home! (I know that sounds selfish but I don’t care…. People have already nominated me for ‘Worst Mother of the Year Award anyway!) Then Saturday, My mum has now offered to take Abigail to the zoo all day (which means I can wallow in Friday nights hangover) cos we’re going to Nottingham on an all dayer and she says Abigail can sleep there that night too (think she’s feeling guilty for being a twat about the whole Leeds escapade)! So I can get absolutely trashed without having to worry about Abigail getting up in the middle of the night! Looking Good!! 

Back to work tomorrow… Gutted cos my Bessie mate, Nat has handed her notice in so she’s only there for 2 weeks now… I’m completely made up for her, but I’m gonna miss her!! Good Luck Mate! Having said that, I’ve got that job interview on Tuesday so fingers crossed I not be there much longer!! Catch ya later X x X x X

Abigail’s new best friend

It seems Abigail’s got a new best friend – twathoop! He’s been up to see my sexy neighbour every night this week, and every night Abigail’s gone jogging over to him and they’ve been stood talking for 20 odd minutes! Now, I’m not really sure how I feel about this. Obviously it’s good that they get on, but she’s never had anything to do with him when’s at our house really. Usually, either he or she are in bed, and if they are about at the same time, she tends to ignore him (this, I think is because, she is very wary of men she doesn’t know, as other than my Dad, Andy and Carly’s partner, she has very little male influence in her life). Now, should I be worried about her getting too friendly with him as he’s not really gonna be part of her life? Or do I just leave it be? Also isn’t a little bit odd that currently he’s talking to her more than me? He was texting me quite a lot last night though… being very friendly. Maybe I might even see him this weekend! Who knows! And, in good news, he’s not going to the Gym any more he’s gonna be training with the sexy next door neighbour Thursday to Sunday, which will be very nice for me to watch! I don’t know, this new development has confused me further!

I don’t even want to mention the football last night… Liverpool lost 1 – 0 at Chelsea, which clearly I’m not happy about, but there’s the second leg at Anfield next week so I think they could win it there… hopefully anyway cos bloody Mourinho not shut up about it for another 2 frigging years if Chelsea knock Liverpool out!! Grr!!

I feel I’ve had a very negative outlook just lately. I don’t mean to be, but I hate work, I’m confused about things with twathoop (I know I could easily solve this problem, but I don’t want to) and generally I hate this time of year anyway. Every shitty, horrible thing that’s ever happened to me has happened in May. And it’s May next week. I’ve got two particularly horrible ‘anniversaries’ coming up, One on the 3^rd of May and one on the 20^th. It doesn’t matter how much I try not to think about these things I do! I dream about them, I think about them constantly… which is weird because for the rest of the year they don’t tend to bother me. The trouble is now, the ‘anniversary’ on 20^th May happened 9 years ago, and I don’t remember it properly, I remember it like it happened to someone else, so, sometimes I try and convince myself it didn’t happen, even though I know it did… It’s odd because up until last year, I NEVER thought about it, and it didn’t upset/scare me, but now I’m feeling all the emotions I felt when it happened and I think, it was 9 years ago, I should be well over it by now. I also feel like I should do something to mark the day… to acknowledge to myself the impact that day had on me, but I’m scared to… On some level I feel like part of me died there 9 years ago. I realise that doesn’t make much sense and no one knows what I’m talking about, but I had to get that out!

I’ll leave it at that…..

Quick Rant….

I’m annoyed today… Shocking I know. I’ve been invited to go on an overnight trip to Leeds for one of the women on the street’s 50^th Birthday, in June. This is to consist of a days shopping in Leeds then out in Leeds at night, staying over and returning on the Sunday. So I asked my mum last night if she’d have Abigail for the day/night. No, was the answer…. Why, because, my Dad MIGHT be able to have Leanne that night and therefore she MIGHT be going out. She is willing to have her if not, but since it’s the beginning of June when we’d be going, and Dad won’t know his shift pattern until then I can’t plan anything around ifs and maybes can I? I appreciate that when Leanne goes to Dad’s, Mum takes the opportunity to go out, but considering that she can also go out when Leanne’s at home – because she knows the Landlord of the local and he doesn’t mind mum taking Leanne with her (Leanne is nearly 17 when alls said and done), and Dad has Leanne 2,3 and sometimes 4 weekends a month I don’t think asking her to sacrifice 1 weekend is really a lot when you think that Abigail’s ‘Dad’ NEVER has her for any amount of time, let alone a whole weekend! One night is all I’m asking for… just a wee little break for me… but no! I’m being selfish. When you also take into consideration the fact that I asked her to have Abigail for the night in May when Andy’s in Magaluf and me & Sue are going to Nottingham and she said no for exactly the same reason, and I’ve made alternative plans… I am especially annoyed. She knows I have no other option, I can’t ask anyone else to look after Abigail for the day/night. Plus, get this, my Dad’s having Leanne for the WEEK while mum and Bob fook off to Turkey… but noooo she never gets a break does she! I completely see where she’s coming from. Grr….

Still got toothache!

Well I’m back at work today…. Still with toothache (or no-toothache to be more precise!) And now I’ve got this really unpleasant taste/smell coming from the hole so I think, it might be infected, which would just about sum up my luck of late! I’ve told my manager about the interview and asked for a reference and he didn’t seem even slightly bothered – really makes ya feel appreciated don’t it! I wanted to tell my Line Manager today but she’s not in, so still got that joy to come! Made me even more determined to get the job though!

 My Washing Machine decided to pack in this weekend… Mint! It went all through the cycle but instead of unlocking when it finished, it just turned off and wouldn’t give me my washing back! So I’ve had washing at Mum’s and Sue’s in an attempt to get it all clean, dry and ironed for today – which miraculously I managed! The machine finally gave me the washing back when I kicked it and swore at it a few times! So I’ve got the washing machine repair people coming out on Wednesday. Mum has kindly agreed to go up while they’re there so I don’t need any time off work! Then this morning, I turned the bathroom light on, one of the bulbs went and caused the whole of the upstairs lighting to short out! Mint! I have managed to get the lights back on (How clever am I getting) But I’ve got to change the bathroom bulb when I get in… I have got a spare bulb from the pack I bought when the last bulb went so it’s just a case of swapping it over!! 

Not really done much this weekend. Managed to get the food shopping done Saturday, despite still being smacked off my teeth on Painkillers. I did have to go home on arriving at Morrisons though cos I realised that in my drugged up state I’d left the keys on the outside of the front door and not locked it… Big Whoops! At least I realised and went back before someone broke in though!  

Not seen anything of Twathoop, after he said Friday we’d sort something out for Saturday or Sunday night, I text him Saturday but he didn’t reply til 5 am Sunday morning (thanks then, weren’t asleep or owt) said he was sorry (déjà vu) but he’d fell asleep Saturday, then last night he went to a BBQ at his sisters, so didn’t see him then either. Oh well, suppose I shouldn’t be surprised really! I’m out all weekend this weekend, so we’ll see what happens… no doubt I’ll send him a few drunken texts. Friday night, going out with our Sue and everyone (although I have yet to find out who ‘everyone’ is) for one of the women on the street’s birthday! Then Saturday, it’s Jack’s birthday party in the afternoon and Emma’s doing a bbq/beer type thing for the adults at night… with all my crazy uncles/cousins so that should be a laugh! 

Anyway, best pretend to get some work done! Catch ya Later X x X x X

Dreams about Packing

All this week I’ve been having dreams that I was packing a suitcase, and that I had to unpack it and re-pack loads of times… This morning I finally got around to checking out what this means on the Dream Dictionary site – I frequent this quite a lot, I often have weird dreams and I tend to remember them, so I look them up to see what they mean and it is quite useful because sometimes dreams give insight into aspects of the waking life that we not be aware of or may not want to face up to (or so I read) anyway, the interpretation of this specific dream was as follows:-

To dream that you are packing, signifies big changes ahead for you. You are putting past issues and/or relationships to rest and behind you. Alternatively, it represents the burdens that you carry.To dream that you are packing, unpacking and packing and unpacking again, represents chaos in your life.  You are having trouble juggling various components of your life. You are carrying around too many burdens but have trouble letting go some of these burdens. Consider what unfinished business you have to tend to. Try to resolve these issues so they can finally be put to rest.

Hmmm, chaos in my life…. Never! Doesn’t actually help me in resolving these ‘issues’ though does it??  Just thought I’d fill ya in on that…. Nothing much else to say!

Smacked Off My Teeth

I apologise in advance if little or none of the following makes sense… I’m currently smacked off my teeth on painkillers….. 

I went to the Dentist yesterday and he said I needed the tooth out as I suspected…. So he did it there and then. I had to have the tooth x-rayed first and it showed that it was growing at a jaunty angle away from the rest of my teeth and into my gum so I would never have been pain free. So I had to have the anaesthetic injected and it felt like the needle went right down my frikking neck! So I return to the waiting room for about the ninetieth time and wait for the anaesthetic to take effect…. But it doesn’t! So I had to have another injection! Anyway eventually it did start working, and he yanked my tooth out so now I’m in slightly more pain than I was before (i.e. agony) but at least I know that in a few days it’ll be better and then….. fingers crossed…. They’ll be no more toothache! So I didn’t make it into work today after having no sleep and with my mouth still gushing blood. Fortunately, my mum offered to take Abigail to school so I went back to bed until 11 am – how lazy?? 

When I got home yesterday… feeling like shit clearly… twat hoops car is outside next door. Trust him to turn up when I look/feel like shit…. I saw him on the garden and I was quite surprised, cos he spoke to me…. He asked if I was alright to which I replied ‘No’ and somehow managed to explain that I’d had my tooth out which was made increasingly difficult by the fact that my face was so swollen and bruised it looked like I’d been beat up or something, and also blood gushing out of my mouth, while all the time making this choking sound – sexy huh! He’s text me today to see about coming round this weekend, originally it was to be tonight  but he’s training with the next door neighbour (which means I get to watch two sexy men work out, one of whom I happen to be sleeping with!) and I’m going to Sue’s. So after jokingly suggesting a less than enticing proposition involving him ‘popping round’ after training we said we’d sort something out for tomorrow or Sunday…. Maybe I’ll feel clearer about things with him when I’ve spent some time with him when at least one of us is sober!

I think I’m gonna pop down to Sue’s tonight… Don’t think I’ll be eating much Chinese or drinking to much wine (I’m still sworn off alcohol following my hideous behaviour at the weekend) but it’ll still be nice to chat to Sue! Also, I’ve got an interview for a job I applied for a few weeks ago. It’s still at the hospital but a different department. The job sounds very interesting and is more money than I’m on now sooooo…. Fingers crossed!

No More Thinking For Me

In light of recent events I’ve decided the best thing for me to do, is to stop thinking. I got so upset at work yesterday I ended up crying on my work mum! I hate crying in front of anyone, but yesterday everything just felt like it was getting on top of me! And I was just sat at my desk sobbing. In a way I’m glad I got it out though but it’s not the most professional behaviour is it really? My work mum and the other woman in our office were fantastic with me though, they listened to me moaning about it all (even though I probably wasn’t making that much sense) and basically said I should stop over thinking it and just do what I FEEL is best so I’m gonna play it by ear and see what happens!

 I’ve got to go to the Dentist this afternoon, I’ve been suffering all week with agonising tooth ache. Just before xmas I had my top left wisdom tooth out in an attempt to relieve the pressure on my bottom left wisdom tooth, but it seems it’s not worked. So I think I might have to have the bottom tooth took out. The Dentist told me last time that it’s a bigger job to take the bottom tooth out cos they have to drill your jaw or summat….. sounds like fun don’t it! 

Liverpool won 2 –0 against Middlesbrough last night…. so they’re back in third place. Two wonder goals from Stevie G! This means that if they win on Saturday they’ll definitely have their place in Europe next year! Then of course next Wednesday is the first leg of the Champions League Semi-Final against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, so that should be an interesting game! 

That’s all for today…. Catch ya Later X x X x X

Scattered Ramblings of my deluded mind…..

Why is it that when all is ok, I get bored and fed up, but then as soon as one thing happens, my life floats right back down the toilet again and I want everything to be ok again. I am sick of thinking, I’ve thought myself round in circles these past few days and I’m still no closer to feeling things are resolved. Following my ‘encounter’ with twathoop on Sunday I have taken some serious flack from friends and family, which I fully expected and deserve and rational thought tells me that they are all right…. However for some reason, that has not stopped me from wanting to see him again. I know in my mind, that he treat me like shit and doesn’t deserve to still be part of my life but like I said I want him. I’m frustrated at myself for feeling like this, this isn’t me, ordinarily once I’m done, I’m done but when he was talking to me Sunday and saying all those things to me I really didn’t care about everything he’d done, all that mattered was that he was there and he wanted to be with me. I went to see Jodie last night, I knew she’d been in a similar “relationship” before the relationship she’s in now. And she fully understood where I was coming from, so it was good to talk to someone that knew how I felt and why I can’t/won’t give him up! But, at the end of the day, neither she nor anyone else can make this decision for me (much as I would like it if someone did). I said to her last night, I wish I could just ‘flick a switch’ or something so he didn’t have these ‘hold’ over me and I wasn’t bothered about him. I can’t explain why he does make me feel this way, because when I’m not with him he doesn’t bother me, but it’s soooo intense when we’re together and I think it’s the intenseness that’s addictive. It’s so passionate and loving and like we’re the only two people in the world. But with the intense highs there has to be intense lows and I know that. I’m not going in blind to the whole situation. The worst thing that can happen is I end up getting hurt again, no one else, only me and to be perfectly honest there is nothing he can do to me that I haven’t been through and survived to live another day. Sooo, basically I still don’t know what I’m gonna do. I want to be able to say I’ll never see him again, but chances are I will. And when it all goes tits up (cos I’m under no illusions that sooner or later it will go tits up) I’ll be expecting all the ‘I told you so’s’ and I won’t want/need anyone’s sympathy. I’m a grown up, I know what I’m doing so what if I make some mistakes… who cares. I’ve been on my own for 5 years I don’t need or rely on anyone for anything and I’m not about to start now. No one can know how low I feel sometimes (probably because I never tell anyone) and how hard it is living in my head when I feel this low so why should I deny myself one thing that for a few hours, or a couple of nights make me so happy? Even if in the long run it makes me unhappy, it’ll just be one more in a long list of things that make me unhappy so what difference does it actually make, except that for those hours and days I’m with him, I forget everything else and I can be happy and be a ‘normal’ 22 year old who’s having fun and not being someone’s mum, someone’s friend, someone’s victim or someone that has been through all the other shit I’ve been through since I was 13.

What a Weekend!

Well, where do I start with everything that’s happened since I last blogged… 

 I went for my bridesmaid fitting Thursday. That went really well. The dress needed taking in quite a bit, I tried it on with the underwear and everything and once she’d pinned it in it looked really nice! Abigail tried her dress in and, of course looked absolutely gorgeous! So they’re going to make the alterations and we haven’t got to go back now until August time! It won’t be long though really…. Carly gets married on 1 September!! When we’d been for the fitting I took my little cousin home (cos she’s being a bridesmaid too) and ended up stopping at my cousins for a cuppa which last til 9 pm! So by the time we’d got home, had some tea and a bath it was gone ten! I was absolutely dead on my feet after my late night Wednesday too! 

Friday we went down to Sue’s for the usual Chinese and Wine night. It was a bit of a let down this week. I didn’t really have a lot to drink and Sue wasn’t ever so well. She was asleep on the sofa when Andy came in! Andy and me had a heart to heart though, which was nice.  

Saturday Sue and me went into town and Abigail and Max tagged along! I treated myself to two gorgeous tops from top shop! By the time we got home it was 2 pm so I really couldn’t be bothered to go food shopping then. So I set about doing the important, but mind numbingly boring task of sorting and filing all my paperwork, bills etc! About 3 days later (that’s just how long it felt) I finally finished…. A good job well done I think! I was interrupted mid-filing by Harry & Max who wanted me to go and put a bet on the Grand National for them, so off we all trotted. Bearing in mind I have never put a bet on in my life! I went in and must have looked completely lost cos this lovely lady that worked there came and helped me and wrote all the slips and everything out for me…. And guess what? My horse came third so I won £10!! Excellent stuff!! After that I popped down to Sue’s and had a little drink with them for an hour or so, before trotting off home to watch Any Dream Will Do and Grease is the Word – Exciting! 

Then came Sunday, yesterday! Mum had said on Saturday that she was going to take Abigail to the seaside for the day so they picked her up at 9 am and I was left all by myself. I went and did the food shopping, collected my winnings and took my aunties birthday cards round. I bumped into my cousin again so went and had a cuppa with her! Got home about 12.30 and put the shopping away and did the ironing – which was loads of fun in that heat! Sue text me at about 1.30 and said pop down for a drink if ya want… So I did. And that’s when the trouble started… We were sat in the garden and I had 3 bottles of Smirnoff Ice, before starting on the wine! Which, combined with the heat was not a good idea. Basically, I was wrecked… no two ways about it. Mum had said they’d be back at about 7 so at 6 I went home to try and get my head together before they got back. I made myself a burger and sat on the sofa and who walks past my window…. Twathoop… yeah that’s right! I sat there thinking, he’s not gonna come here… but he did! I opened the door and said ‘You’ve got some front turning up here’ and he then proceeded to tell me how sorry he was, how much he’d missed me, how much he felt for me and how he never meant to upset me and like a twat I let him in. Don’t get me wrong, I had a proper go at him and said everything I wanted to say but after all I said about never letting him back in blah blah blah… I feel like a complete idiot! Abigail didn’t get home til about 9.30 so I wasn’t happy with Mum cos Abigail’s back at school today and she’ll be completely knackered and it meant that I didn’t see her hardly at all yesterday cos she went straight to bed when she got home! And twathoop ended up stopping the night. So I really don’t know what I’m doing now… Part of me wants to believe everything he said last night but the sensible part knows he was probably lying! Grrr…