Once You’ve Learned to Be Lonely

Oh it’s that time again, Song Lyric time! I’ve been trying to explain how I feel about certain things and why I behave certain ways and I find it hard… I’ve heard this song a couple of times, my dad listens to the artist that sings it a lot. Anyway, it just about sums up how I feel on this particular subject…  

I know friends & family in particular find it odd that I react to new people the way I do and why I don’t open up easily, some even think I’m hard hearted, I don’t think I am at all. I can’t explain why I do these things, but I know I’ve been on my own for almost all of the past 5 years and that’s gotta change you in some way or another surely? Maybe that’s why? I don’t know anyone who has been alone for that period of time to compare it to, so I’m just guessing! 

The song, unsurprisingly, is called Once You’ve Learned to Be Lonely;- 

You’re asking me to open up
I’m tryin’ my best to give enough
To keep this love alive
It wouldn’t be so hard for me to do
If it hadn’t have been for all my heart’s been through

But once you’ve learned to be lonely
And lonely is the only thing you’ve known
It begins to feel like home
It becomes your comfort zone
Once you’ve learned to be without someone
And settle for the silence of an empty room
Oh,it changes you
There’s a lot you have to undo
Once you’ve learned to be lonely

It becomes a habit of the heart
To be afraid and even start
To try and love again
I want to give you myself to you
But I’ve been alone that I’m scared to move But once you’ve learned to be lonely
And lonely is the only thing you’ve known
It begins to feel like home
It becomes your comfort zone
Once you’ve learned to be without someone
And settle for the silence of an empty room
Oh,it changes you
There’s a lot you have to undo
Once you’ve learned to be lonely

I’ve built walls but I feel them falling down
Touch by touch your love is my way out

But once you’ve learned to be lonely
And lonely is the only thing you’ve known
It begins to feel like home
It becomes your comfort zone
Once you’ve learned to be without someone
And settle for the silence of an empty room
Oh,it changes you
There’s a lot you have to undo
Once you’ve learned to be lonely

There’s a lot you have to undo
Once you’ve learned to be lonely 

That’s it anyway, hope that’s cleared things up or just helped you to understand where I’m coming from! Ciao!

Happy 50th Birthday Mum

It’s my Mum’s 50^th Birthday today! She’s having a great day so far, with lots of surprises she wasn’t expecting! Me, my sister, our Sue and my Aunty have been planning ‘stuff’ for weeks! Firstly, we went to Frankie & Benny’s last night for her birthday, but we had an ulterior motive… He he! While we were out my aunty and Sue decorated the village with embarrassing pictures of mum, they’ve strung some bunting across the street that says Happy Birthday with a big 50 in the middle and filled her house with balloons! So she had that to welcome her home!! At Frankie & Benny’s, me and carly snuck a little birthday cake in and they bought it out after we’d had the meal and they all sung Happy Birthday to her! She knew me & Carly were up to something but she didn’t know what! Now, we’ve been down and given her the cards and presents and we’ve come home to have a bath a get ready before we go back for the bbq (or beer fest!) this afternoon! It should be great cos all the family is going to be there! And mum’s got a bouncy castle on the back garden! Abigail’s already bounced to death on that! She ought to sleep tonight! 

Hmm, so my week this weeks has been a bit like this… Wednesday me & Carly too Abigail and Alex out for some dinner, which was really nice, we don’t go out very often just us! We also decided that we’re going to go on holiday together next year… Me, Abigail, Carly, Drew & Alex. I’m very excited about that, we’re gonna get a villa in Spain or somewhere! Should be excellent! Wednesday evening, Ally popped up with that form for me, which wasn’t anything too exciting! Shocking. It was nice to see her though! We definitely need to arrange a proper girly night soon, so we can all catch up! Thursday, I took Abigail & Max to Playmania, which they thoroughly enjoyed! They were both dripping with sweat when they’d finished playing! We then went to McDonald’s for dinner! I was shattered when we got back, never mind them two! Thursday evening, I had company, which was lovely again, we watched Pirates of the Caribbean, I’ve not seen in before and I did enjoy it. Johnny Depp is ace in it, but its sooooo LONG! I was ready for bed when it was done! Yesterday morning, Aunty Lorraine took Abigail, Leanne & Max to town so I nipped mum up to Morrisons to pick up some (more) stuff for the bbq and me & Carly took the opportunity to sneak to Asda and get Mum’s birthday cake (another surprise!) And then, last night, when we got back from Frankie & Benny’s I somehow got left with all the kids but my next door but one neighbour was having a bit of a girly night and she said she didn’t mind if Abigail and Leanne came round with me so we went round there a few hours. It was such a laugh, they’re a good bunch of women that go, and people that ordinarily I wouldn’t socialise with, but we had a proper laugh, my mum called round to pick Leanne up and they all sung Happy Birthday to her!!                                                                                      

Couple of piccy’s for you, firstly Carly’s had a baby kitten!! Its sooo cute, and I looked after her Thursday evening while they went and got some stuff for her! Her name is Tigerlily! And secondly, my flower lights have came that I ordered off e-bay! They look mint on my bed… all my new bedding has come too, and my bedroom looks ace! More pictures to follow of all the bedroom but here’s some of just the lights…

     

 Hmm, not the best picture of the lights, I was slightly drunk when I took it! Gonna take some proper ones now! So watch this space! 

That’s it, Catch ya later…. XxXxX

Still off work… And HUGE Spiders!

I phoned the hospital on Monday and spoke first to my Consultant’s secretary, who apologised for the delay saying that they are short staffed and my last clinic appointment hasn’t been typed yet so the request for the nerve text hasn’t been sent! Great, so she’s sorted that out and also put on the request to ring me if they have a cancellation so hopefully that won’t be too long now. I asked her if I could go back to work and she said obviously she’s not qualified to say but she said she’d speak to my Consultant. A little bit later he rang me himself and asked if things with my hand were any different, I said they weren’t and in fact the pain is probably worse now than it was, he said in that case I absolutely can’t go back to work, he explained cos they thought it was nerve damage that I could injure the hand further (which he said would be highly likely and easily done with it being my dominant hand) and cause permanent damage and even total loss of feeling to some/all of my fingers… So I said, yeah don’t really want that then! I went to the GP yesterday and he gave me a sick note for another month, I phoned work afterward and explained, I don’t think she was very impressed, but to be perfectly honest if it comes down to a choice between going into work to keep them happy, or permanently damaging my hand… There’s no contest really is there? It’s not like I’m doing it on purpose is it? So the decision I was struggling with at the beginning of the week has now been made for me! In a way I am pleased cos it means I get to spend loads of time with Abigail while she’s off! 

Had a little change of plan for tonight, I was gonna nip to my cousins tonight to take some birthday cards round but she text me this morning and said she won’t be in so I was gonna be at a loss for summat to do, when Ally texts me… She says that my line manager has got some forms or summat for me (I spoke to her yesterday and she never said anything…) so she’s gonna nip them round for me andwe can have a little goss and catch… Chelle might be coming too, depending how she feels… But she needs to keep her strength up for growing lil’ baby Hough!! So that’s a pleasant turn up for the books! Yay! 

Yesterday, Dad rung me and said he was watching Liverpool v South China in the Asia Cup and did I want to go down… Hell Yeah!! So we went and watched that, Liverpool won 3 – 1 with goals coming from Riise, Alonso and Agger… I have to say the team played well together and are looking really good for the beginning of the season. They’re in the final of the Asia Cup on Friday now against Portsmouth, which should be an interesting match!  

Got another busy weekend coming up, Friday night we’re all going to Frankie & Benny’s for mum’s birthday, Saturday is mum’s birthday so she’s have a bbq all afternoon/evening, then Sunday I think I’m going to the pictures to see Hairspray! I’m reall looking forward to that! 

On a slightly different note… I went in the kitchen at about 11 pm last night to get a drink before going to bed… And there was this HUGE spider on the floor in front of the glass cupboard, it was proper enormous! I pooped my pants!! I took this picture look, just to prove how big it was! I had to kill it all by myself!! Eugh!!

 

That’s it anyway…. Catch ya Later XxXxX

Family

My busy weekend is almost over now… And it has been a busy one. Quite an enjoyable one though on all counts. 

Friday night I had a really nice time. I went to Mr Man’s at Nottingham for a Chinese and it was great. The food was completely divine!! I’ve been there a couple of time before, but not for years… It was as delicious as I remembered and better! The company was really good as well, and I was pleasantly surprised considering it was the first time we’d been out, cos the conversation flowed really easily. 

Saturday morning I had to be up at 8 o’clock (which is ridiculous on a Saturday morning!) to be at the hairdressers for 9 am for the trial run of the hair for the wedding. It went really well, Carly went first and she looked gorgeous. They tried it with her veil and tiara and I got quite emotional seeing her, so god knows what I’ll be like on the day. Then it was my turn. They curled all my hair, which was new cos my hair is quite straight! She then pinned it all up at the front and put my tiara in and pinned some up at the back but left some of it loose and curly… It looked really nice. I had intended to go round to Chelle’s after the hairdressers, but it took ages so I didn’t get chance. Hopefully we’ll be able to rearrange for another day… I so wanna see all the baby stuff she’s got!! 

Saturday evening was my Uncle’s bbq and obviously with the weather it turned into an indoor bbq! Honestly, me & Sue were dreading going, normally when we’re inside their house, there’s about 6 of them smoking and its always red hot cos they’ve constantly got a coal fire roaring. But, we were pleasantly surprised. The whole evening was fab, the door was open all night so there was plenty of fresh air coming in and they all went outside to smoke! It all got a bit emotional cos it was the 2 year anniversary of my Grandma’s death! Me & Sue learnt some truths about the family that we never knew, which were shocking. But it was nice that we all got upset in a weird way cos we all said how much we meant to each other, which is not something we do often and there were hugs galore! Our Andy took Carly up to the club for a but too, we all found that quite funny cos Carly don’t go out! She was wrecked when she come back! So me, Sue & Andy went to the club for one ‘on the way home’ and Harry took the kids home. It was sound in there as well cos it was one of them Mod nights! Didn’t stay long though… my bed was calling!! 

So today, me & Abigail stayed in bed to 10 am!! What a lie in! We went to mum’s for dinner, she did us sausage, egg & chips… not ya conventional Sunday dinner but it was yummy delicious. I’ve also booked to go to Butlins for the weekend on 7^th September. Sue, Andy & the kids are going that weekend so I’ve booked for me & Abigail to go too. I know its only a weekend in Skegness but I’m really looking forward to it. Abigail is too, I’ve shown her the swimming pools and that online and she was jumping up and down! Tonight, had some company over for pizza and a DVD. Had a lovely evening again, and watched Gone in Sixty Seconds, which I haven’t seen for ages and really enjoyed watching it again. Hopefully I’ll see more of this person soon! Tomorrow, I’m gonna get on to the hospital cos I still haven’t heard anything from them. And, I’ve got a decision to make, my sick note runs out on Thursday, so do I a) go back to work next week, or b) Go to the GP and get another sick note?? I think I wanna go back to work and back to some sort of normality but then again, I’m loving being at home, especially now Abigail’s broke up for school and I get to spend time with her and we don’t have to get up in the morning! Help!!?!?

That’s it for now anyway, rambled on for long enough me thinks! Catch ya Later XxXxX  

Busy, Busy, Busy

I’ve gone from having a really quiet few days to having to being really busy! I have to say it makes a pleasant change, but I’m knackered now, and my hand is hurting me loads now, I think I’ve done too much at it! I still haven’t heard anything from the hospital about my appointment though, think I’m going to have to chase them up!

 On Tuesday night me & Abigail picked Chelle up and she came to our house for a cup of tea before we went to meet Ally. We went through Abigail’s system of giving Chelle the presents and Abigail only slightly spoiled the surprise this time, not like last time when Chelle walked in and Abigail said to her ‘Aunty Chelle, we’ve got you a surprise of some flowers’!! I think Chelle really liked what we’d got for baby too! Then we went to meet Ally, and we went up to see her new house. I have to say it looks absolutely lovely from the outside. The street was really quiet and all in all it’s just a lovely area! I think Ally & Carl will be really happy there, and I can’t wait to see it from the inside. After we went back to Ally’s house and had a cuppa, Abigail went into meet Ally’s Mum too, cos she’s dead nosy and wanted to see everyone in the house I think! It was a great evening and we all agreed we need to arrange a girly night soon! 

Yesterday, I got up and was tidying up my bedroom a little and realised it looks quite bare. I didn’t get any ‘finishing touches’ for my bedroom when I moved in because there were other priorities, so now I’ve ordered my lush new bedding I decided to get some other bits and bobs. I went into town and got a big chocolate coloured vase with some flowers and twigs for the corner of the room, a lush new chocolate coloured lamp, a smaller chocolate coloured vase with some circular wicker balls on sticks in and a fabulous new rug (cos my bedroom floor is laminate) which is all different shades of browns in squares. It looks loads cosier in there now, and when my new bedding come it’ll look even better. I wanted some nice string lights to weave through the top of my bed too but I couldn’t find any anywhere, I had a look on E-bay yesterday though and found some really nice ones that I’ve also ordered! I can’t wait to see it when the bedding and the lights are here!! I’ll take some pics when its all done and post them on here! 

After that, I’d texted Jodie and she was at home so I went round there for a cuppa! We then decided to go to Meadowhall for a bit of shopping cos it’s only 5 weeks til Jodie goes to Mauritius to get married and I was looking for something to wear for tomorrow night. Neither of us found anything though!! Ha!! So we had some dinner and came home! It was a nice day out though, it’s been ages since me & Jodie went shopping together! Almost all of the shops on the bottom floor are still closed from the flooding at the end of June!! They were showing footage on the big screen in the food court of the damage the flood did, it as astonishing! You don’t really comprehend the damage the water did unless you were affected! Shocked me anyway!! 

Last night, me & Abigail went over to my Cousin’s cos it’s her birthday tomorrow so we took her cards down. We had a lovely evening as well, I wasn’t planning on staying long but got wrapped up in the conversation and other members of the family popped in as well to bring Emma’s cards. Abigail was playing upstairs with Jack & Kayla all night so we hardly saw them! So today, I’m not doing ANYTHING!! Lol!! I’m having a chilling out day, and a quiet night in catching up on some TV tonight!!                                                                     

Catch ya Later XxXxX                                        

Proud Mummy!!

I’ve had a really quiet few days…Not done an awful lot and I haven’t had any dreams I can interpret! Still having some proper dodgy dreams, but nothing specific enough to look up!  

It should have been Abigail’s Sports Day yesterday, but it was cancelled cos the field was like a swamp from all the rain we had Sunday night! I was really disappointed cos I was looking forward to going as normally I’m at work! They might be having it on Friday morning though, so hopefully I’ll get to see her! I’ve had her end of school report as well… she’s doing really really well, working beyond the top level for her age group, which is amazing!! I’m a really proud mummy!! 

I got very excited Sunday cos my new Next catalogue came!! There’s 2 catalogues as well… one for clothes and one for homeware! I’ve ordered some absolutely Lush new bedding and some new cushions for the sofas!! I can’t wait for them to come! But there’s gonna be a delay of 1 – 2 weeks! Very excited though!! Yay!! 

Tonight, me, Chelle & Ally are going to have a ride up to see Ally’s new house!! Can’t wait for that! And, I get to give Chelle the presents I’ve bought for baby! Abigail is also very excited to give her the presents… She’s come up with a whole ‘system’ for how we’ve got to do it! It’s very specific, so should be interesting!! 

I’ve got a busy few weekends coming up, which makes a surprising change… I have some nice plans for this Friday but don’t want to say too much about them yet! Then, Saturday morning we’re going to the hairdressers to have our practice run for the wedding! Then Saturday night, it’s my Uncle’s bbq and that’s usually a laugh cos all the family get together! Next Friday, me, Abigail, Carly, Drew, Alex, Mum & Leanne are all going to Frankie & Benny’s for a meal for mum’s 50^th Birthday. It’s actually her birthday on the Saturday and she’s having a bbq then, so another fun night hopefully! And the Monday after that, we’re going for out final bridesmaid dress fitting! It’s only 6 weeks til the wedding now… Carly’s turned into bridezilla and is panicking cos she doesn’t think we’re (as in me & Mum I think) ready! I don’t see how she can think that… we’ve done everything we need to do! I expect its normal for her to worry about things though, this close to the day! We’ll just have to be patient with her I think! 

That’s all for now… Catch ya Later XxXxX

Do I need to escape daily life?

Just a quick update… Had another dream that I remembered last night… This one involved Helicopters & Hotels (See Dream page for more detail). According to the definition of Hotel it could mean I want to escape daily life, which seems to be a recurring theme in my dreams just lately. It’s funny cos I don’t think I’m feeling the need to escape, but clearly, sub-consciously I think I do! This Dream interpretation is getting more and more useful! The more I write down and interpret the more I seem to remember.That’s it anyway… Haven’t got anything exciting to add! Catch Ya Later XxXxX

Naughty Kristy

I’ve been very naughty these past few days! I’ve been so bored that I went to Mansfield yesterday… and I drove!! I couldn’t be arsed to catch the bus or owt when it was pissing it down all day! So me & Mum went first thing! I picked up a present for Chelle… I saw a few things that I really liked and I couldn’t decide which one to get, so I got them all!! Lol!! I can’t wait to see her on Tuesday to give them to her! I also picked myself some new pyjama’s up! I was absolutely desperate for some as the elastic had gone in my only other decent pair and the trousers kept falling down! Quite embarrassing! So, I got a GORGEOUS pair from Debenhams (more money than I would normally spend on pj’s but hey!) then went to Primark and got 3 pairs of bottoms and some plain black & white vest tops! Oh and a gorgeous pair of lemon check pj’s from Primark too!! Exciting huh!! Then yesterday afternoon I went to the new big Tesco to do some food shopping as I’ve not been for 3 weeks (I drove there too)! Spent loads cos I needed everything!! I really like the new store too… normally I go to Morrisons and don’t deviate cos I know where everything is and I’m in my ‘comfort zone’ so to speak… but I got on dead well with Tesco… Found everything I wanted!!

Last night we went to Sue’s for the traditional Chinese! Had an excellent night, watched the eviction, which I thought was fab! I can’t wait to see what kicked off when Charley went back in! I think they’ll have been hell on! Can’t believe how much she lied either when she went in… saying everyone loved her and all this… Err, no they didn’t! Still excellent TV!!

Abigail’s gone to Morrisons with Mum this morning for her breakfast!! So I’m making the most of the peace and quiet! I have absolutely nothing planned for the rest of the day… I’m gonna be really bored, I can see it now!  

That’s all from me… Exciting entry huh! Just wanna say Happy Birthday to Nick for tomorrow and hope ya enjoy ya BBQ tonight… lets pray the weather holds out!! I’ve updated the dream page today as well peeps, had a proper strange one last night!!

Catch ya Later!! XxXxX           

Dreams…

Oooh… while I remember… I had another dodgy dream last night… I was on Holiday but it was like a girly Holiday… And my mum was there with Abigail. I went to buy a drink from the bar and realised I only had English Money… Then while I was queuing at the bar I was stung on my stomach by a wasp… I’ve checked out the Dream Dictionary site for the definitions and here they are: 

Holiday 

To dream of holidays, represent a need for a break or time for rest.  You are expressing a wish to escape from your responsibilities. Depending on the activities related to the holiday, the dream may also indicate family issues, personal attitudes or some difficulty. 

Wasps 

To see a wasp in your dream, signifies angry thoughts and feelings. To dream that you are stung by a wasp, symbolizes growing envy and hatred towards you. 

I wonder who hates me?? Oh and I agree I need a rest and a break!! Lol!! 

I’ve decided to add a page of all the dreams I have and their definitions for better recording of them… check it out!

That’s it… See Ya! 

Sooo Tired Zzzzzzz

So I’m still off work… I’m still bored and now I’m knackered as well! I was up til midnight chatting to Nick on MSN… He’s a bad influence ya know! I’m normally tucked up in bed at 10.30 pm!! But we did have a lovely chat though so it was worth it! Then just as my head hit the pillow and I was starting to doze Abigail woke up! She’s not very well so we’ve been up all night! She’s not gone to school today meaning we did get to go back to bed a little while this morning… But I’m flagging again now!! I might see if Abigail’s tired and maybe we’ll get a little afternoon snooze in!! 

My phone didn’t come on Tuesday due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’ according to T-Mobile, so that came yesterday. I LOVE it!! Its so shiny!! So that made me happy!! 

Tuesday afternoon Ally came round to see me as she blagged the afternoon off work with it being her birthday! That really brightened my day up! It was great to see her and we had a lovely chat… Me, her and Chelle are going to see her new house on Tuesday night… can’t wait for that!! Hopefully we’ll all start to see a lot more of each other out of work now, with Ally leaving we’ll have to, otherwise I won’t see her… And that just won’t do! I’ve missed chatting to Chelle this week as well cos she’s not been at work, so we had a lovely chat on the phone last night! It was great to catch up, she filled me in on all baby related news which was great! And I filled her in on the moral dilemma I’ve been having and she gave me some much needed advice as she’s been in a similar situation… So thanks for that mate! I did as you suggested so just need to wait and see how far that gets me… fingers crossed ay?  

Other than that I’ve not done anything this week… which is a little depressing! Watching LOADS of TV cos loads of cool news shows have started on Sky… loving the new series ‘Dirt’ with Courtney Cox in… and ‘Dexter’ with the guy from Six Feet Under in! But I’m lagging behind on BB, I know it’s Nicky & Charley up for the ‘fake’ eviction… I’ve a feeling it’ll be Charley that comes out, gets interviewed and goes back in, but I think Nicky would be more interesting, cos everyone in the house already knows Charley’s a bitch, Nicky’s a bit more sly and people will see her true colours… looking forward to the eviction tomorrow either way!  

Nat’s coming up to see me tonight… Really looking forward to that too cos I’ve not seen her for ages… It’ll be nice to catch up! It’ll be the first time she sees me with my sexy splint on!! That means I ant got to cook tonight cos we’ll have a takeaway!! 

In Liverpool news… two more excellent signings announced this week…. Yossi Benayoun coming from West Ham and Ryan Babel from Ajax… Babel is particularly exciting… world class player! That puts Rafa’s spending at £35 million this week, equal to Ferguson’s spending at Man Utd (spit) but he’s got quite a lot of that back cos we’ve also finally off loaded the liability that is Craig Bellamy for a cool £8 million to West Ham, Lucia Garcia has gone to Atletico Madrid as Fernando Torres came from them to us and Djbril Cisse’s sale to Marseille was finalised after he’d been there on loan for 2 seasons… So we’ve had quite a clear out too.. I think it should be a really exciting season! I had to laugh the other day as well…. Jamie Carragher has retired from international football after spending 8 years fighting for a place in the team and constantly being over-looked, he said he wanted to concentrate on making Liverpool Number 1 which is great news for us… But then Adrian Durham called JC a ‘bottler’ and said he ‘didn’t have the stomach for the fight’ live on TalkSport Radio, so JC does no more than ring the radio station and puts Durham straight live on air!! Love it…. Ya don’t mess with JC… No nonsense Scouser!!!

Think that’s about all for now, I’ve not heard anything from the hospital yet (shocking I know) about my ‘nerve test’ so still no closer to an answer about my hand and when it’ll be better! Catch Ya Later XxXxX