It’s bad, it’s really bad…

I’ll warn you now… I’m in a very low mood today and may sound like I’m whining, which to be honest I probably am, but I’m feeling very sorry for myself so I don’t care. 

I feel like absolute shit and have done for a few days now, I don’t know why I got myself all excited about the possibility that I might still have feelings for Abigail’s Dad cos now I feel about as bad as I did the minute he said to me ‘I’ll stay with you if you get rid of it’ nearly 6 years ago! Yep, you’ve guessed it, I spoke to him about it… oh how foolish ay? I’ve been trying to pin him down all weekend to no avail he kept saying he was gonna come and didn’t. Anyway he rang me this afternoon and I told him about what I had been thinking and he said that he wasn’t still angry with me for what happened with Abigail, he doesn’t have ANY feelings for me whatsoever and the only reason he rings me etc is for his own physical fulfilment… So there you go. I said if that was the case then I didn’t want to speak to him again and he was just like ‘orate then’. He was a proper heartless arse with me on the phone, I really thought I might be able to speak to him properly but obviously I was wrong, very very wrong. 

I don’t know why I expected any different really… I mean when was the last time my life went, in any way, as I planned or would like it to? I seriously feel like the fates are conspiring against me to make me as unhappy as I can possibly be.  

Obviously, I am always going to be alone, struggling on my own, to get through every day as I am now. I’m literally struggling with everything at the moment, with money, with being a Mum, with life and I can’t imagine a time when things will be any easier. And, God, I am sooooo sick of having to fight this hard to get anything I want. I know life can’t always be easy but, seriously, does it have to be this hard?  

I feel so alone and like I’m drowning under the pressure of it all and I just can’t get to a point where I can breathe, no matter how hard I try. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have Abigail I really wouldn’t see any reason to carry on now, and I know that sounds so over the top but its true and I’m so tired of pretending that I’m alright. I’M NOT!!!!!!!! I’m not even close to being alright now… and I truly don’t ever see a time that I will be alright again, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no happy ever after for me, this is all there is, and that really is the scariest thought of all….

More Ponderance (Is that even a word…? Who knows?)

Thought I’d treat you all to another post… and so soon after my last one… You’re lucky peeps really aren’t you! 

I went to see the Clinical Psychologist again today. It went quite well I think, although I’ve come away in a pondering sort of mood again but I suppose that’s to be expected. I’m finding it difficult to know what to say about things and get the conversation started you know? She asked me how I’d felt after the session last week, and I said I felt strangely young. I know that must sound very bizarre but, I did. When I came out and went back to the car it all felt a bit strange. She said it’s probably because I’d been talking about my life as it was 10 years ago and maybe part of my brain was still there if ya get me? She then asked if it had made me think about anything since I’d seen her. And, oddly it has but I’m not thinking about the actual event that’s lead me to seek counselling but about the week or so leading up to it. Which, lead me to think about Abigail’s Dad. In the week surrounding everything I spoke to him for what was probably the first time properly when him and his friends came up and met me and mine. I’ve never really considered this fact before, because it was more or less at that point when we first became friends and probably the first signs of an attraction between us. Anyway, it wasn’t until about a year later that we actually became boyfriend and girlfriend and he was the first person I really told about what had happened and is probably the only one that I’ve ever told any sort of detail to. The psychologist thinks that because of this I still have emotional ties to him that are separate from the Abigail issue. I’ve not really considered this option before but I do think she’s right. She says it sounds like when I’m saying I want him to be there for Abigail I actually want him to be there for me too, and that I’m still hurt and upset that, the one person I’d trusted above everyone else, and the one person that had consistently been there for me through everything, let me down when I needed him most, when I became pregnant. Thinking about it now, I think she’s right, she also thinks that on some level I still love him and want us to be together as a family, which, if someone had said that to me a week ago I would have pretty much laughed in their face, but thinking about it in context with everything else, I just don’t know. Maybe that’s why I only ever seem to have gone for men that quite obviously aren’t going to commit etc, because I still, on some unconscious level, want to be with him?  Also, maybe that’s why we seem to continue to have an emotional and sometimes physical relationship? When everything went tits up with twathoop in May it was him I spoke to, when he was having troubles at the end of his previous relationship he came to me… She said it’s time to lay everything out on the table and say do we think there is the possibility that we still have feelings for each other and if not, we need to sever the ties and go out separate ways… completely. That scares me, I don’t know if I want to admit that in fact I might still have feelings for him or face up to the fact that we need to not speak anymore and stop relying on each other for emotional and physical fulfilment.  

Some food for thought there… Maybe I should try and speak to him? What do we think? 

Anyway, in other news… I took Abigail to the Dr’s tonight, and guess what? Still no referral to the Hospital!! How pissed off was I? He says her ears are completely full of wax (yeah I know, I’m the one that’s been trying to get her to hear me!) and until that’s gone we can’t really assess her hearing… So, I’ve got to put warm olive oil in her ears every day for 3 weeks and then take her back… AGAIN!!! Grrr!! 

I’ve actually started my xmas shopping now as well… not got loads but it’s a start. Gonna get a bit more done tomorrow as well I hope. I’m also hoping to see Chelle tomorrow, maybe get her opinion on what the psychologist said as she’s probably the only one that knew me when I was with Abigail’s dad… and knows me now! That’s always assuming Baby Hough doesn’t make his entry into the world in the mean time! I do want to see Chelle and catch up obviously but, I hope for her sake, that the lil man puts an appearance in soon! I know she’s well ready now… Don’t worry mate… won’t be long now!!! Love Ya!!!

Oh and… errr… the football… Mint wasn’t it?? I’ve never seen a bunch of players put in such a shit performance! I’ve seen more classy football played on Houghton rek!! At least it’s got rid of McClaren though! He was a whole lot of use stood under is brolly!! We need someone that’s at least a little bit passionate about the game and England… look at the Croatian manager he was jumping up and down and screaming and they had already qualified anyway!! Pfff… Crap!!! 

That’ll do I think….

Pondering…. Stuff

I think I’m leaving it too long between posts again aren’t I? After some not so subtle hints from Chelle… Lol!! I decided I best get updating! 

I went to see the Clinical Psychologist last week, that was a weird experience. I’ve said before I don’t want to go into too much detail about why I’m going, but it was strange for me because, I got really worked up before I went and considered not going which I suppose is natural but once I was there and I obviously had to explain why I decided to go I got really upset and started crying. Now, obviously I’d anticipated that I’d probably cry at some point during the whole counselling thing, but this was within the first 5 minutes and I have very rarely cried about this subject, I’ve always been strangely detached and matter of fact about the whole thing. Maybe now I’m starting to accept it and the emotions are coming out though? I guess time will tell. But, the lady I saw did say something that struck a chord with me, she said that because I never dealt with this at the time it happened I’m still dealing with it as a 13 year old would… which sort of makes sense I think. Anyway, I’m going tomorrow for my next appointment so I’ll see how I feel after that but I think this issue is going to get worse for me, before it gets better, but maybe there’s a light at the end of a 10 year tunnel. 

Had a really quiet weekend, just chilled and relaxed! I think I needed that as well, it was good to just chill! I’m sleeping a little better now and feel better for that too. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m sleeping properly… But I’ve had a couple of nights where I’ve slept a couple of hours in the past week which is more than I’ve had for a few months. However, when I do sleep I have really vivid, disturbing dreams… I haven’t decided yet which is worse!!  

Works going really well as well. I’ve got a regular workload and a variety of different regular tasks to do so the days are passing quicker than they were. I’ve also gotten to know some of the women I work with better as well and we’re getting on really well, so that also makes the days a little brighter!! I’m even getting up earlier so get to work earlier!! Lol! However, Monday morning, my best laid plans failed (bet that shocks ya don’t it??) I was all ready and in the car for 8.10 am… then… the car wouldn’t start! Great stuff!! It seems the battery was flat but Dad was already at work so he couldn’t give me a jump as were Sue & Andy. Fortunately I have breakdown cover on my car insurance which includes Home Start so they came out within the hour and got me going again! So I was only half an hour or so late for work! That’s just about my luck just lately though isn’t it? 

I’ve got half day annual leave tomorrow, which I originally booked for my Clinical Psychologist appt, but now I’ve got Abigail in at the Dr’s and I’m hoping he’ll refer her up to the hospital this time so we can hopefully get on with getting her tonsils out and getting her on the mend!! Then I’m off Friday and Monday too which should be a nice break and it means I can spend some decent time with Abigail. I’m really proud of her (I’m always proud of her obviously but I’m even more proud of her now) cos this week she’s earned her ‘Crusader Badge’ at school. The Crusader thing is something all the kids in the school aim for by achieving 6 different targets, there are kids in the school a lot older than Abigail that haven’t got theirs, but she’s achieved all her targets and gets her badge in a special assembly in front of all the school from the headmaster!!!  

Anyway… That should about do it I think… I’m off to have a bath then watch the England Match… here’s hoping the boys can pull something out of the bag and get us into Euro 08!!!     

What a year it’s been ay?

I’m soooo cold just lately it’s unreal! I don’t normally feel the cold as much as some people but since Sunday I’ve been FREEZING! I’m waering 3 – 4 layers of clothes for work! It’s ridiculous!  

Anyway, that’s my little moan about the temperature recently! Things are much the same as they were the last time I posted. Life pretty much consists of work, home, bed! Exciting ay? Had a pretty boring weekend… Although I did go to the end of season scooter do at the club with Sue & Andy. It was a pretty good night, me & Sue somehow ended up stood with the local witches coven (actually they came and stood with us) now ordinarily I don’t like these woman, they’re HUGE gossips and are very judgemental of other people when their own lives are far from perfect. But, actually in that situation they were quite funny… you just have to make sure you don’t tell them ANYTHING about you’re life!! Like I said though, all in all it was a good night and there was no blood shed on my doorstep so that’s always a bonus. 

Saturday night did get me to thinking though, cos it was at the end of season scooted do last year when I met twathoop. Meaning I’ve wasted the best part of a year on someone that will clear never give me what I want from life! Plus… what a shit year it’s been… I mean things never really got off to a great start with twathoop, the first month or so was ok cos we both knew where we stood but when I started developing feelings for him, it went downhill from there. Throw into that the fact that in this year, Abigail’s been in hospital twice, I’ve started a new job, broke my arm, gone back to work, got appendicitis and ended up in hospital and then went back to work, there’s no wonder I don’t know if I’m on my arse or my head is there? Probably a good as time as ever to start the dread Clinical Psychologist Counselling thing… Tomorrow!! Oooh… Goody goody! 

For those of you that are interesting… I chose to go for option 3 from last times blog, following careful consideration of the facts that presented themselves in the last week, including but not limited to: the fact that he now appears to be ignoring me, that I’m now not entirely sure how I feel about him, whether I love him or just want what I can never have as always and… the biggy… heard some very interesting rumours about him involving, but again not limited to sex with prostitutes and nearly OAP’s… Hmmm… Not quite as appealing now! 

Nothing to report really with my secret secret crush… We’ve exchanged a few emails but that’s about it… I don’t think he’s getting the message! Maybe he’s shy ay? 

Anyway… Can’t think of anything else to say! Catch ya later!  

Finally got my tattoo done!!

I’ve had a tattoo!! I’ve wanted one doing for a bit now, but my sister barred me from having it done before the wedding with me being a bridesmaid (I can’t remember if I said at the time or not, and I can’t be arsed to check! Lol!). Saturday afternoon I popped in for a quick cuppa with Chelle and drove past the tattoo shop. So on a whim I rang them when I got in and said did I need an appointment or could they fit me in and they told me to go down in half an hour! So I did! I’ve had 3 little stars on my left wrist/forearm area, but unfortunately my Bluetooth connection is down and I can’t upload a pic, but as soon as I’ve sorted it I’ll post a pic! 

Nothing to report with Twathoop. It’s still eating away at me, but I’ve not really seen him. I did pass him briefly on Monday and we said a general hello type thing and he was next door tonight but I’ve not seen him. I think I’m not gonna feel any better or get over him unless I know for definite where I stand, otherwise it’s going to continue to eat away at me! Grrr… which basically means I’ve got a few options.. 1) Pluck up the courage to speak to him about it… 2) take the less brave action of writing him a letter spilling my feelings out and leaving my number thus, leaving it up to him to get in touch or 3) do neither of these things and let it eat away at me forever til I end up in the loony bin! Any advice welcome! Oooh, ooh… just thought of an option 4) I have got to change one of the brake lights on my car, maybe I should wait and do it when he’s next door and play the ‘damsel in distress’ and make out I can’t do it so he comes and helps me and take it from there? What do we think?

 Last night I had a great night. I went to the Talbot with Chelle and Ally, we were joined later by Matt and Jamie and we had a right laugh. The footie was on too, and the atmosphere was good. I’d not been to the Talbot before, we had some tea there as well and it was lovely and I’m hoping to get invited again soon! (hint, hint guys!! Lol!!) 

What about the football last night then… What was it about a fortnight ago when we played Besiktas and lost 2 – 1… played them again last night… Only went and won 8 – 0!! Benyoun got a hat-trick, Peter Crouch scored two, Babel scored two and Gerrard scored one! It got a little embarrassing for the other team in the end to be honest but hey! It’s all good for Liverpool… sends a good message out to the rest of Europe! They now have the record for winning by the biggest margin in the Champions League! Not a bad record to have really!! 

     <— Babel’s amazing ‘back heel’ goal!! (Matt told me that that’s what it was called last night when I said it was a back kick! Not far off was I?) 

Abigail’s ill again. We were back at the Dr’s Monday night and she’s got another dose of antibiotics… BUT, I think I may have convinced them to refer her to the hospital… Yes, shocking I know! Cos, now she can barely hear anything most of the time and the Dr seems to think it’s cos her tonsils and adenoids are permanently swollen and blocking her ears! So, I’ve got to take her back to the GP in a fortnight so he can review her while she’s not infected (although, chances are, in two weeks, she’ll be re-infected seeing as it’s only 3 weeks since her last dose!!) and if everythings still swollen he will refer her!!! It’s progress though isn’t it! 

Oh, just before I go… this is how the fates and cosmos conspire against me just lately… the bloke I have a secret crush on (not the crush from before a different one) decided to speak to me for the first time properly today… when I have the BIGGEST, red zit on my chin!! Great!! 

Oh and check out the dream page cos I’ve been having some well dodgy dreams just lately… Including several involving sex in various ways, which, according to the definition it quite literally means I want some… well… I didn’t need a Dream Dictionary to tell me that, I assure ya!! I’m all too aware of that little fact! 

Catch ya later XxXxX 

Glutton for punishment?

I know I’ve been a little quiet this week haven’t I? But honestly I didn’t even know where to start. I’ve spent all week trying to organise my thoughts into something vaguely coherent and so far, I’m not doing so well with it.  

So he’s been up every night this week at the next door neighbours which hasn’t helped me focus on things but hey… Monday night I drive home from work and all the way back I’ve got this nagging dread that he was gonna be there when I got back, and guess what, I was right. I went out to him as he went back to his car and we spoke for a minute or two on the street. He said his head was a lot better and that Andy had gone up to him while he’d been at the neighbours and they’d sorted everything out. Tuesday, he was there again and I’d decided that I needed to talk to him about things, things that happened when everything kicked off before and about things now. So I shouted him as he went and said ‘Have ya got a minute’ and he said ‘I’ve got two for you’ and came in. We had a little chat about things from ages ago, about what happened on Saturday night and about why he’d come up (which, apparently he couldn’t remember) but I wanted to ask him where this left things now, and I bottled it! So things were really now clearer than they were 5 months ago. I haven’t really seen him since then, he was at the neighbours Wednesday and Thursday, Wednesday night he waved to me as he went back to the car but Thursday I was in and out a bit so I didn’t see him.  

Now, I’m literally feel like I’m dying inside. I want him soooo much it physically hurts but I hate myself for wanting him. I know that if I’d seen him last night, I’d have spoken to him and invited him round, but he’d already gone when I got in from work, which has made me feel worse about not saying anything substantial on Tuesday when I had the chance. I know everyone is just going to say I’m stupid for giving him the time of day, or that I’m selfish for not considering Abigail in all of this, but I have, believe me I have. But, I’d convinced myself I was over him when clearly I’m not. The second I saw him last week, my heart was in my mouth, when he walked in the club and started talking to Dayna I was on the verge of tears, in the middle of the club! What I feel for him now is still as fresh and raw as it ever was, when I went round Sunday morning to make sure he was ok, he like rubbed my arm and said ‘ya shouldn’t worry about me’ and all I could think was I wanted him to take me in his arms and hold me. And again when I was talking to him Tuesday.   

And I can’t talk to anyone cos they all just think I’m stupid!

GOD, I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!