Bizarre Rant

Well, I’m still extremely bored!! I can’t believe how shit this festive period has been for me! I only hope the New Years Eve is better but unless the fates deliver my dream man to my door sometime over this weekend, I’ll be alone NYE and therefore will be depressed! Mint! 

I’m so frustrated about how things are in my life at the moment, and it’s made worse by the fact that there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, it’s completely out of my control! When I think back to how I was, what, say a month, 6 weeks ago to how I am now… it’s really not fair ya know? I was doing ok, I wasn’t laying awake every night waiting, but knowing it’s not gonna happen. Obviously the feelings were still there or I wouldn’t be where I am now, but I was living and getting on with life. But now, now, I’m so wound up and frustrated about wanting it, I mean, God, it physically hurts how much I want it! And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I get what I want one night, say this weekend for example, that I’ll fold and allow it all to happen, cos I WANT it to happen, but I don’t want to feel like this for a fortnight though, is it really worth that price? Logically I know it’s not worth the cost, yet I still do it? Now, why is that? What’s that about? When I’ve spoken to the Psychologist about it, I explained to her that I need to understand why I do it, because I can’t make sense of it in my mind!  

A bizarre little rant for everyone there… hope ya enjoyed it! Pfff…

Christmas is over for another year…

Well that’s Christmas done for another year. Every year it amazes me how worked up I, and most other people get about it, and it’s all over in the blink of an eye. Abigail had a fantastic day and was ruined (of course). I on the other hand… did not have such a good day. I think Christmas just brings into focus all the things that are wrong in life, well my life anyway. I felt so lonely Christmas Day it was painful. At about 1 pm I was sat on my sofa proper sobbing. So, what do I do to cheer myself up? Hit the alcohol… that’s the way!! Went to Mum’s for dinner at about 2 pm, the dinner was lovely but the atmosphere was shite, with all the stuff that’s kicked off between Mum & Leanne and of course the wonderful fucking Bob sat across the table from me was always going to be enough to put me on a downer! He was half an hour late coming for his dinner! I think that’s just rude and ignorant don’t you? Who rolls in half an hour late for Christmas dinner? It was Mum’s reaction to it that annoyed me more than him actually being late cos she never said nothing to him! If that’d happened when her and Dad were still married she’d have ripped his throat out for being late! Anyway, we had dinner then me & Abigail went round to Aunty Lorraine’s to have a drink with them…. So had another couple of glasses of wine to go with my 2 bottles of Smirnoff ice and 3 glasses of wine before, so as you can imagine, I was quite merry by this point, and I have to say I was feeling a little bit happier! Even if it was alcohol induced happiness. Sue text me at about 5 and said they’d had their dinner and I could go up for a drink with them. So we headed up there, when I got there Andy’s two brothers and their families were there and we had a real proper laugh! We were all singing and dancing to the music… Our Harry was looking at us slightly gone out at this point! Then, this is where things start to get a little blurry cos I had about 4 more glasses of Rose wine! Anyway, I know I went down to see Dad when he got in from work and gave him his presents… then went back to Sue’s, before we went to Uncle John’s but god only knows what I was saying or doing! Sue informs me that I didn’t offend anyway so that’s a bonus! So, another enjoyable Christmas! I’m only surprised that I wasn’t sick with what I’d got down me! 

I’m officially bored now! I might as well have gone to work I think… I’ve got nothing to do! I think I’m going to go and clean the house top to bottom cos at least that’ll keep me occupied a while! I’ve been playing with my new iPod all morning, that’s what Mum got me for Christmas… It’s ace! I love it!! Just need to get the cable to connect it to my car now! 

Tomorrow we’re going to Kayla’s 4^th Birthday party at PlayLand! Can’t wait for that… 30 odd screaming kids running round!! Then that’s it til New Year’s Eve, I’ve sorted the babysitter out and we’re going into Pleasley as far as I know. I am looking forward to it cos it’s a night out at the end of the day, but I know at midnight when everyones kissing they’re partners I’ll just feel really really lonely, again! To be honest I’ll probably cry… again! Sounds good ay! 

That’s it anyway… hope everyone else had a decent Christmas and it wasn’t as depressing as mine!

Still being Naughty…

It seems everyone is aware of my naughtiness now… I told our Sue last night and she was fine with me, I was really worried about her finding out. I thought she would flip and tell me I was being stupid etc, but she didn’t, she just said that you know what you’re doing and it’s your life. We even had a little laugh about it.  So I might as well tell you, for those of you who don’t already know, Twathoop’s back! He turned up at my house at 4 am the other Saturday night, it was weird cos I’d had the feeling that he was gonna show up all day, but I didn’t know why I thought that, and then he did… Anyway… it’s escalated from there as it usually does with me and him. I’m experiencing the whole range of emotions that I always have, from elation to depression, but I think that’s a lot to do with other stuff I’ve got going on at the minute as well. I’m not gonna lie to you and say that all the problems we had before are resolved, cos they’re not, and I can’t say that I think it’ll work this time cos there’s no more reason it will work this time, than there was the other times, but here I am again. I’ve spoke about it with the Psychologist and she says it could be that I see something of myself in him, cos we’ve both been hurt, or cos I know he’ll never commit, it’s safe for me to be with him cos I’ll never expect anything from him, hence I won’t be disappointed as I have been in the past. She also said that, when I’ve resolved all my other issues, I might not be so drawn to him, but only time will tell on that score. All I know for now is, I want to be with him, I enjoy it when I see him and we’re not hurting anyone by seeing each other, we’re both single. I know he’s got feelings for me, cos he told me that on Sunday but whether it’ll go anywhere or end in resounding disaster (again), who knows.  

I’ve been to see the Psychologist again today. Remember I said I thought I was ready to start talking about ‘it’, well I did a bit today, not all the gory details, but I managed to describe what happened leading up to and immediately after it. But now, I have a mixture of emotions, I feel relieved that I’ve started to talk about it, apprehensive that the next logical step is to finish the story if you like and also angry. I feel so unbelievably angry at the minute and I can’t even really say why. It’s that intense it’s like an ache in the pit of my stomach and I just want to smash everything up and scream and shout and cry, but I can’t. I don’t know if this is a ‘normal’ reaction to the situation I’m in, but it certainly doesn’t feel very normal. I hope it passes cos it really is a horrible feeling… I knew it’d be hard work to get myself to a place where I felt something like ok with it, but I hope it’s not going to be like this til I am ok… I’ve not got another appointment now until the 10^th January cos of Christmas and everything so I’ve got a bit of a break to get my head round what happened today and hopefully go back and progress further in the New Year. 

Anyway that’ll do… 

Oooh PS… Had another weird dream last night that I went to the Dentist so I’ve looked it up: 

Dentist

To dream that you are at the dentist, signifies periodic doubt over the sincerity and honor of some person. You may have some anxiety or fear of pain, but in the long run it will be for your own good.

Hmmm can’t imagine who I’d doubts about can you?

I’ve been very naughty….

… and do you know what? I don’t even feel guilty about it!! Ha! I’m not going into the details but it’s what I was on about that started last Saturday. Well after no further developments I spoke to the Psychologist about it. I explained the situation to her with all the history and said I know I shouldn’t want to do what I did and she explained that there is no ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ in this sort of thing and if I want to do it then I will. Talking to her about it, didn’t really straighten it out in my mind or explain why I do it but I have stopped beating myself up about it and making myself feel worse cos of what other people might or might not think. What will be, will be and all that. Then last night ‘further developments’ occurred! I was soooo pleased with what happened and today I’ve been floating on my own little ray of sunshine, so why should what anyone thinks stop me from feeling like that? Although it’s all very well saying this when no one knows but ask me if I still feel the same when they do! Which, is why I’m savouring this feeling now!

I had another good session with the Psychologist this week and after spending a few weeks giving her some background information about me and my situation I think I might be ready to start talking properly about the reason that I’m there. I’m more than a little apprehensive though, I don’t know where to start with it or how to explain how I felt. But I suppose it’s her job to help me with that. I’m also rather scared of how I’ll feel when I’ve said it out loud, cos it’ll be the first time in a long long time I’ve actually spoke about the details of what happened, and if I do that, it’s like admitting it happened, where for 10 years I’ve pretended it didn’t. 

I’m so excited… We’re going out Friday night!!! Abigail’s stopping at my mum’s and I plan to get absolutely slaughtered!! Lol!  It’s always a good night the Friday before xmas and I’m really looking forward to it… I’ve got a gorgeous top that I want to wear, but I don’t know if I’m brave enough cos it is rather revealing… in a classy sort of way though! It does look good on mind you! It’s Alex’s birthday party at 10 am Saturday morning so I’ll be looking quite rosy for that I expect….!  I went to town straight from work this afternoon and I’m pleased to say I’ve finished my xmas shopping all but one present! Just got to wrap all the lot up now, which will be no small task!! I do feel better now I’ve got it all done though!  

Got a busy week planned, Ally’s coming over tonight, then tomorrow I’m going to Chelle’s straight from work, which I’m sooooo looking forward to. I’m also hoping to catch up with Jodie sometime this week!! 

I think that’ll do for now, I’ll keep you informed on my naughtiness! Lol!! 

PS… I had a dream last night and I saw two owls in it, so I looked up Owl on the Dream Dictionary and this is what it says… I don’t particularly like the sound of this one! 

Owl

To see an owl in your dream, symbolizes wisdom, insight and virtue. The owl is also synonymous with death and darkness. To hear the hoot of an owl, denotes disappointments and forewarns that death creeps closely in the wake of joy and health. To see a dead owl, signifies a narrow escape from desperate illness and death. Death in this sense may also represent a symbolic death, as in an important transition in life.  

Just when you think things have got as bad as they can… They get worse!

I know I’ve been crap with the updating again… Naughty me! I’ve had a pretty shit week though to be honest… I bet you’re shocked really aren’t you? 

It all started Saturday, but I’m not going to go into that now. I plan to discuss the events of Saturday with the Psychologist tomorrow, in a feeble attempt to make sense of it in my own mind before I start trying to explain it to anyone, not that anyone will understand anyway, or care! 

Then Monday, I went to work as normal, but Mum rung me, pretty much as soon as I got there and there was hell on at their house between her and Leanne. Basically they’ve not been getting on for a while now and things really came to a head Monday morning. They were screaming at each other and Mum has hit Leanne. So, once again, she rung me to see what she should do so I said, if it’s that bad, ring social services cos they’ve got a social worker anyway. So she did and I ended up coming out of work to be there when the Social worker got there. By the time I got there, the social workers had arrived and one was taking Leanne away in the car and the other was talking to mum. Mum seemed to be in quite a mess, and at one point I thought I was going to have to ring the Dr to give her summat to calm her down, so she’s talking to the Social Worker and fucking Bob comes over sticking his fat oar in. They were proper laying it on thick, now I’m not saying Leanne is a walk in the park but they were making her out to be a psycho that could flip at any time, and even hurt Abigail and Alex, which is just not true! So I was trying to explain the situation from an impartial point of view but no one seemed to be paying attention to what I had to say. The social worker then said they didn’t think it was a good idea for Leanne to stay at home but the emergency respite place they keep had been filled that morning, so basically if we couldn’t find her somewhere within the family to stay she’d go into Foster Care or something, so now, she’s living with me! Oh yes, I’ve been confined to the sofa in my own house. She stayed with me Monday & Tuesday, she’s here tonight and then she’s going to stay at Dad’s tomorrow before going to Yew Trees for the weekend. Then hopefully she’ll be able to go home. But, of course my mum’s been round the family doing the whole ‘woe is me’ story, nobody knows how hard her life is and how hard work Leanne is… well excuse me…. I’ve fucking managed. And not only have a managed with Leanne, I’ve had Abigail too and carried on going to work… all without too much upset… so woe is fucking me!!! Ya know!!! Pff… Makes my fucking arse laugh… At the end of the day I’m 22, I shouldn’t have the responsibility of a 17 year disabled sister, but ya get on with it don’t ya… except if ya my mum, then ya have a paddy and say it’s too hard and ya get a fucking week off. When was the last time I had 1 fucking day off, never mind a week!!! 

So there, rant over, for now anyway! 

Sooo not prepared for xmas, it’s not even funny now! I’ve got about 10 days to get my ass in gear. I’m going late night shopping tomorrow and plan to get my xmas cards and wrapping paper then so I can at least get the cards sent out. Then I plan to go to town first thing Saturday morning and either next Friday or Saturday to finish the xmas shopping… cutting it fine or what? 

Another good result for Liverpool last night… beating Marseille 4 – 0, goals from Gerrard, Torres, Kuyt and Babel securing their place in the last 16 of the Champions League! Now bring on Man U Sunday for the premier league and Chelsea next week in the Carling Cup… 

That’ll do for now, I shall probably update tomorrow when I’ve seen the Psychologist again, I’m feeling good about the counselling tomorrow cos I have several ‘topics’ I want to discuss! 

Catch ya Later XxXxX

Its not as bad now…

You might be pleased to hear that I am feeling slightly better about life in general at the moment. I still wouldn’t say I was jumping for joy with it all but I’m not ready to go and throw myself under a train or summat… well, not just yet anyway!

Works been good this week, I’m really quite busy at the moment and I will get more busy next week cos the other lady that does the same job as me is moving over to the Application Support side of our little department, leaving all the Data Quality stuff for me to do. I know I’ve complained in the past that I’ve been bored ad had nothing to do so I don’t really want to moan now that I’ve got plenty to do, but I’m thinking that it might get a little too much when it’s all GOT to be done ya know? And I don’t know if I can cope with the pressure at the minute, with everything else I’ve got going on!! Hmmm, we’ll see! They’ve advertised for the other Data Quality job so hopefully it won’t be too long til they get someone in post, but having said that whoever gets the job will need training before they can actually take some of the workload! 

I went for my Clinical Psychologist appt again on Thursday. It was very revealing again. I told her that I’ve been feeling really low and hopeless this week and I said sometimes I look at Abigail and wish I was young again and didn’t have to worry about anything anymore ya know? Well she then asked what happened in my life when I was Abigail’s age, and I’ve never considered this before, but that’s when my youngest sister (who’s disabled) was born, and because Leanne was a lot of work as a baby and Dad had to work, I had to look after Carly, which, as the Psychologist pointed out, is a huge responsibility for a 5 year old. This then carried on all through mine and Carly’s childhood. Mum was always so busy with Leanne that she didn’t have any time for us so I stepped up and was always there for Carly. In fact, one of Carly’s first memories is of me teaching her to read and write. When Carly was ill with Shingles, I suppose she was about 9, so I’d be 11/12 and Mum was also ill I stayed off school to look after Carly cos Mum ‘Couldn’t’ and I was telling the psychologist this and she said, ‘who looked after you when you were ill’ and again I’ve never really considered it but nobody did, I looked after myself and coped with things on my own from being so young. The psychologist then said that, that’s why when what happened to me, happened I didn’t tell anyone cos they wouldn’t have had time to look after me anyway. It still happens now as well really… I’m the first one any of them ring when they’ve got a problem and I’m expected to deal with it for them. Just this week, my brother’s been in hospital again so it was me that had to deal with that, Leanne has got herself in trouble and when Mum found out what’s the first thing she did? She rang me at work to see what she should do. But, if I’ve got a problem I feel like I’m not allowed to burden them with it, I have to deal with things on my own. And I know that if I’d have gone to my mum last week when Iwas feeling really low she’d have just told me to pull myself together. Just once I’d like one of them to deal with my problems for me.  

In happier news though… Carly’s Pregnant!!! We’ve known for a while now but I wasn’t allowed to say anything til she’d had her first scan, which was yesterday! She’s 12 weeks gone and is due in June next year!! Exciting ay? I’m gonna be an Aunty again! We went to Drew’s brother’s 21^st birthday party last night. It was a proper posh party and I got to wear a dead posh dress and go out looking like a laydeeeee!!! It’s possibly that after half a bottle of wine and several Smirnoff Ices that I didn’t behave like a lady though! It was a good night though… that is until Drew took me and Abigail home and his Uncle got a lift with us and he tried to grope me in the back seat of the car… this would be fine except he’s married, balding, more than a little overweight and nearly 50!! Wow, I’m a lucky girl really aren’t I??  

Good result for the Liverpool boys Wednesday night ay? 4 – 1 against Porto. Torres got two, Crouch got one and Gerrard got a penalty! We just need to win against Marseille in a fortnight and we’ll be through!! 

See y’all soon!!