Will it never end??

I know, it’s been too long again!! But believe me with the week I’ve had I haven’t had time to update…

 It started last Sunday when my Dad received a phone call from Notts City Hospital saying my brother had been admitted. My dad has sort of washed his hands of Richard. I’m not saying he doesn’t care, cos he does, he just refuses to get involved cos of what Richard has done to us all in the past. So, Dad let me know and I felt I had to do something, despite everything he’s done, he is still my brother and I still love him. I spent about 2 hours ringing between Notts City and QMC until I finally tracked him down. Apparently, he’d tried to commit suicide (again) and was admitted to City for a blood transfusion, before they transferred him to the Psychiatric Ward at QMC. I spoke to Carly and we decided that we should go and visit, so that’s what we did Sunday night. I drove all the way to  QMC… All by myself and everything…!! It was an experience visiting to the psychiatric ward let me tell you! Anyway, he was very surprised to see us! He looked terrible though, all dirty (he’s obviously been sleeping rough), he’s wrists were bandaged up and he was wearing pyjamas that the hospital had given him… they were not nice! He seemed fairly ok in himself though, not quite as crazy as we thought he might be! We had a little chat and told him we’d come back and see him on Tuesday with some clean pj’s and toiletries. So I went to town Tuesday and got him some new pj’s and underwear and a load of toiletries and took them down. He seemed a lot better when we saw him Tuesday and we stayed quite a while. He was very appreciative of the stuff we’d gotten him as well. We were supposed to be going back Thursday but we didn’t make it with one thing and another cos I was absolutely knackered!!

Drew had been looking after the kids at my house for us on Sunday while we went to the hospital and guess who turned up… TH!!! Apparently he just walked in, realised I wasn’t there, said summat like ‘oh is Kristy not here then’ and walked out!! How rude is that just walking into my house? He hasn’t returned since though, so God knows what’s going on there! 

Tuesday, I was off work cos I was taking Carly for her 20 week scan, that was AMAZING! It’s unbelievable how clear the scans are, even compared to when I had Abigail. You could see the babies chin moving as it was sucking his thumb and everything! Alls well with the baby and she’s having a little boy!!

Then, after we’d been to town to pick the stuff up for Richard we decided to have a chippy dinner at my house. However, while we were at the chippy, Mum rung and said she’d fallen over and hurt her ankle and could we take her to A & E. So we had the chippy at Mum’s then I took her to hospital. By the time we got there, her foot had swollen quite badly and she couldn’t walk so I had to put her in the hospital wheelchair and wheel her everywhere! She had it x-rayed and it turned out she’d actually broke her ankle!!! So she’s now in full pot up to the knee and isn’t allowed to weight bare at all! She’s got to keep that on for 4 weeks and then she might still need an operation on it! So I’m slightly stuffed for taking Abigail to school cos obviously Mum’s not going to be walking down the hill and back everyday! Fortunately my friends agreed to take her for me and Carly’s picking her up!! 

The rest of the week wasn’t too bad, I was proper knackered and went to bed early most nights. Friday it was Andy’s birthday and we had a gorgeous Indian takeaway so that was a nice night. Saturday I didn’t do ANYTHING!!! Lol! I had a slob day!! 

Then yesterday… Carly rung me first thing and said that Drew’s Uncle had been beat up in Shirebrook Saturday night! He’s in a pretty bad way, got massive swelling/bleeding on the brain, they’ve had to operate on him and take a piece of his skull out to relieve some of the swelling. He’s in a coma now and they’ve said it’s not looking hopeful! He’s only 38! Apparently, he was sat on a wall with his mate when these youths jumped them from behind, they knocked his friend out and laid into Ted, kicking his head and all sorts… brave of them isn’t it?? They have arrested someone though, so that’s a consolation I suppose. Don’t help his wife and kids though does it? 

Yesterday afternoon, I decided to get dressed and nip up to Morrisons for a few bits. Did that, got back to the car, I reversed out of my parking space was just about to pull off when the woman in the bay opposite reversed out, straight into me!!! I couldn’t believe it, I’d seen her start to pull out, and hit the horn, but she carried on and ploughed into me!!! She was very nice about it and apologised straight away, saying it was her fault! We swapped details and everything but my car has now got a nice dint in the drivers side door that needs repairing.. so I’ve rung my insurance and they’re sorting everything out for me. I’m just waiting for the garage to ring me to get it booked in there, and the courtesy car people have already been in touch and they’re delivering a courtesy car to me in the morning! I have got to pay a £400 excess to the garage though… but the insurance will claim that back for me!! Just another joy I didn’t really need! 

So what a week ay? I hope we’ve had all the bad luck we’re gonna have for now, so much for 2008 being a better year!!!    

Still no positivity!

It’s been a while again hasn’t it? I’ve been a bit crap with the updating lately!

I went to see that Reiki lady last week, it was very odd! She started off by asking why I was there and I explained that I’d been feeling negative and angry all the time. Then, she asked for some background information so I told her. It’s weird though cos she knew stuff that I hadn’t told her, like for example, I never mentioned anything about TH and she sat there for a few minutes and said, there’s something else that’s bothering you, something you’ve not mentioned. Then she said that I’ve got like a spirit with me all the time guiding me, and he had told her to ask me about my neighbours, so I just said no there’s nothing wrong with my neighbours, it wasn’t til I came away that I realised the link between the neighbour and TH! Anyway, she did the Reiki thing on me, which consists of her like, channelling your energies and clearing all the negative stuff so you’re open to receive positive stuff (or summat like that, I didn’t really understand it to be honest)! It felt really weird when she was doing it, my body kept twitching and my legs were shaking and she just kept saying that it was perfectly normal! She said that it wasn’t really about me feeling angry, it’s more to do with the choices I’ve made and me feeling like they’ve been the wrong ones, which I think is bang on, cos lets be honest, I’m not exactly brilliant at making the right choices am I? I did feel better when I came out, I felt all light and everything, but unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to have lasted, cos I feel as negative and down as I did before now!  

Thursday, I went back to see my Psychologist lady. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all, in fact I nearly cancelled it on Wednesday! But I decided to go and deal with it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be really, but it wasn’t pleasant! I can’t remember what we discussed now, but I know it was about choices again. She said I don’t trust myself to make the right choices and I said no, I don’t cos it seems every time I’m faced with a choice I automatically choose the most destructive option! She also said that I’ve got unresolved issues about rejection and trust which is why I keep repeating my behaviour with TH, and men like him. Cos she thinks I go for men like that, who won’t/can’t commit and offer me what I want, cos then I don’t have to let them in or let my guard down so it’s a safer choice for me, even though I do still get hurt, its not the same as if you trust someone and let them in and start to depend on them and THEN they let you down and leave you. But, she said this can be resolved, we just have to get to the original source of it, and then she thinks I can move on and have healthy relationship, but I’m not convinced!!

I still haven’t seen TH by the way, in case you hadn’t guessed. But I’m still frustrating myself by wanting him to turn up and almost sitting waiting him all the god damn time!

In good news, all this negativity is helping with one of the New Years Resolutions, the diets doing well cos I’ve hardly eaten anything this week… I just haven’t been hungry, so I’ve lost nearly 5 lb this week!  But, none of that has made me feel any better! I just think, you can talk to you’re blue in the face but it doesn’t change the facts, I’m not happy, I’m still alone and I’m sat in the house, on my own, every night and anyone who thinks I’m feeling sorry for myself should try being on their own, day after day, night after night and see how you feel!  

New Year

Apologies for being late with my New Year blog! I’ve really felt like crap for the past week or so and I couldn’t be arsed to do anything to be honest! 

So Happy New Year everyone! Hope 2008 brings lots of nice, lovely things for all my friends! Can’t say I’m having the most positive start to 08! But I don’t suppose that’s a big surprise. I’m hoping I’ll start feeling a bit more positive soon though, cos I’ve got a few New Years Resolutions I’d like to make, I know you’re supposed to make them on 1^st January but with me not feeling overly positive and not being back in the full work routine there’s no point starting yet cos I’ll only break them! So from Tuesday (that’s when I’m back at work properly) I plan to: 

1. Get Healthy!!! I’m gonna start a proper diet and intend to do some form of exercise, although I’ve not determined what yet. I’m thinking about maybe, when I get in from work going for a run, then walking down to pick Abigail up and walking back. I think that’ll be a good place to start, cos I’ve not really got to time to go to the Gym or anything now with me working later. Although I do love it at the Gym.
2. Have a more positive attitude towards life in general.
3. Get over TH and get him out of my life once and for all. Not sure how to achieve this one, but I know I want to!

 I think that’ll do, I don’t want to make too many cos then you’re just setting yourself up for failure! New Year’s Eve was good in the most part. I was at work NYE day but fortunately they let us finish at 3 which was a bonus considering I had to be ready for 7! So we went out at 7 and into Pleasley, and had a proper laugh, time flew and before we knew it we were still in the Lakeside at 11 pm! We’d not made any arrangements to get back to the village but we wanted to be back at the club for midnight. We were lucky really cos some of the other folk that were out from the village had booked a minibus and we know the bloke that was driving and he agreed to come back for us and take us back up! Everyone was in good spirits and there was no trouble which really makes a change!! Midnight came and I cried! I don’t even know why to be honest I was just looking round at everyone all happy with their partners and felt alone and a little bit like a spare part! Once I’d got over that I was ok though, I went home at about 1.30 am. I decided in my drunken wisdom that it’d be a good time to start taking the Christmas Decorations down!! So I did! I left the tree but took all the garlands and tinsel down!! I was going to go to bed but didn’t feel tired at all, then Sue came down! At 3 am, cos her brother in law was throwing up in her sink! So she came out the way! Unfortunately though, her father in law followed her down here, so I ended up making him a cup of tea and me & Sue had to listen to him telling his ‘stories’ at 3 in the morning!! 

I’ve not seen or heard anything from TH. So don’t know whats happened there… again! It really bugged me all over Christmas, cos I’ve let him get to me again and before I was in a place where I wasn’t thinking about him all the time and waiting for him to show up, but now I am again!! Grrr… Men! Will I ever meet someone that makes me happy? It’s not looking good is it? 

I’m going to see a Reiki lady on Monday! I’m not really sure what to expect from it, but Sue’s been and she says she feel 100 times better than she did, like everything that’s been burdening and bothering her has been lifted. So it’s got to be worth a shot! I’d do anything to feel better at the minute! Then I’ve got my first appointment of the New Year with my Psychologist lady on Thursday. I’m a bit apprehensive about that, cos last time we were talking about the actual thing that had happened and I’m not sure if I want to go there again!! We’ll see though ay? 

Well, I think I’ve rattled on a bit there! See Ya…