We’re having a boy!

Well hello again… Yes, contrary to how it may seem, I do still blog… Just rather occasionally! Lol!

 

What’s been happening since I last blogged then? I don’t know to be honest, it was too long ago! So I’ll just update you on what seems important for now!

 

We had my 20 week scan last week… And… We’re having a baby boy!!!!! I’m chuffed to bits, it’s nice cos now I’ll have ‘one of each’ so to speak. Don’t get me wrong, of course I would have been thrilled to have another daughter too. Anyway, everything was fine on the scan, baby is growing as he should be, which is fantastic, he had his hands over his face at one point, and when the sonographer was measuring his spine he was wiggling his bum, too cute! And the placenta is definitely where it should be, so it’s looking good for me not having to spend months in hospital and hopefully I should be able to deliver naturally, which I really, really want to do. I should find that out for definite in 2 weeks though, when I’m back at hospital to see my consultant! Had a couple of little set backs though, I was quite poorly last week and ended up being admitted to the hospital twice. The first time they couldn’t find anything, and put the pain I was in down to ‘growing pains’ which I think is just what they tell you when they don’t know what’s causing it, I was a bit annoyed at this, cos I wouldn’t consider myself to be a particularly mardy person, and I’ve been experiencing quite a lot of ‘growing pains’ more or less from the beginning, because of my scar from having Abigail by Caesarian and I knew full well that the pain I was in last week wasn’t that. So I went home and tried to rest etc as they advise, but it got worse, to the point where I was in agony most of the time. So last Saturday I rang the labour ward again, and they said to go in. When I got there, they realised I had, in fact, got a really bad water/kidney infection which explains the pain I was in! So I’ve now been on antibiotics for over a week (I needed a fortnights dose, because of how severe the infection was, and because there’s only certain types of antibiotic they like you to take when you’re pregnant) and I am feeling a bit better, slowly but surely. It did knock me off my feet, I was so tired last week, I felt like I did when I was about 10 weeks pregnant!

 

In other pregnancy related updates, baby is now moving more and more all the time! He’s got into quite a routine of when I know he’s going to be active and when he rests. Unfortunately, at the moment, he likes to start being active at around 10 pm so I’m struggling to get comfortable in bed. This doesn’t surprise me as I was exactly the same when I was having Abigail. I feel quite lucky to still be managing to sleep as much as I am, and believe me, I’m making the most of it! Because I suffered really badly with not being able to sleep at all when I was pregnant before. I think I am starting to look properly pregnant now, I was beginning to worry that I was never going to get a ‘proper bump’ and I was just looking like I’d put weight on around my tummy, but it’s definitely defining itself day by day! It seems to have come all at once though, one day a couple of weeks ago, I just woke up and there he was, poking out!! Lol! Ste came downstairs when he’d got up from nights and sort of did a double take of me and said ‘Where’s that come from like!’. Lol! I’ve been giving quite a bit of thought to the birth, as I think at my next midwife appt in a fortnight, we’re going to start going through my birthing plan. I’m very excited to do it naturally, but at the same time apprehensive cos although I’ve got Abigail, this will be the first time I go through labour. I’m quite worried about not knowing when I should be ringing the hospital etc, cos I don’t want to be the sort of person that rings at the first sign of any twinge or anything, if you know what I mean? I suppose I can raise all this with my midwife and she’ll be able to help with a lot of it. With regard to pain relief, I think I’m going to go for the gas & air and pethidine, but I really don’t like the thought of an epidural. I had the spinal block when I had Abigail and it really upset me that I couldn’t get up to her when she cried on that first night cos my legs were still numb, I don’t want that this time if I can help it at all! Again I can discuss it all with the midwife though can’t I?

 

I’ve started my new job now too, which could’ve been better timing cos I was still feeling really poorly and tired last week. But, I soldiered on, like the brave little girl I am! Lol! I started last Tuesday and I am really enjoying it! It’s so tiring though, getting used to being back in the routine of going to work! It didn’t help that Ste was on days last week so I was having to get up at 5 am to take him to work, so that I could have the car to get me to work! Fortunately, it was only for 3 days, I’m don’t think I could manage full time at the minute! Lol! I worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday last week, but my normal days will be Monday, Tuesday and Friday. I think I’m really going to enjoy the job. It’s a really friendly team and there seems to be plenty to do, once I learned how to do it all! They’ve been really good about me being pregnant too, I’ve sorted out a date to finish for my maternity, I wanted to work as close to my due date as I could, so I could have more time off with baby afterwards. So they’ve provisionally put my last day of work as the 19 December, which is only 13 weeks on Friday!

 

Abigail started back to school last week as well. She’s now in Year 2! I can’t believe it. She looks and seems all grown up. She’s 6 now too, it was her birthday at the end of August. I can’t believe she is 6, it only seems two minutes since she was a tiny baby and now I’m expecting another one! She came with us for the scan and she was soooo excited bless her. All along she’s been saying she wanted a little sister, so I was worried she’d be disappointed when we found out it was a boy, but she was thrilled! She came skipping out of the hospital singing “I’m going to have a baby brother”!! Which was lovely to see, I’m so glad she’s ok with it all!

 

Anyway, I better leave it there! Rambled for quite some time now haven’t I? I’ll try not to leave it so long next time!!

 

XxXxX

Hmm… Relationships are more difficult than they look!!

Hi Guys… It’s been a while again hasn’t it… It’s all this having a life malarkey, I’m too busy to blog! What’s that all about!

 

Life in general is still… wait for it… good! I’m not saying I’ve been persistently happy since I last blogged cos there’s been a couple of ‘blips’ but overall I feel great!

 

Me & Ste (new fella has a name you see) are still seeing each other. We are now officially a ‘couple’ apparently… We had this discussion the other week, cos we’d been seeing each other a month and I think we both felt it was time to sort of define what was happening. Cos we’ve spent so much time together, you can’t really say we’re just casually going out and that. So we both agreed that we were ‘together’ properly, in that we’re not seeing other people (which is great to be clear on after the twathoop saga)! It’s crazy how soon you get used to having someone in your life though, my whole way of thinking has changed really, I’ve now got to consider someone else when I’m making my decisions (obviously I’m used to this with Abigail, but it’s a different thing really). Also, normally I’m a fiercely independent person, and I love having my own space, but he’s been staying at my house over the weekends (when he’s not been working) and it’s really hard to get used to him not being there in the week!! So all in all things are good there… I’m not gonna sit here and say after 6 weeks that we’re in love and never gonna split up and all that, cos that’d just be crazy! But I think things are as good as they can be for this early on! The sheer fact that I’m not bored is a good sign!! As anyone that knows me will appreciate! Lol!!

 

We’ve had a couple of ‘moments’ though, we had our first ‘proper’ argument on Saturday! We’d made plans to spend the day together, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be taking Abigail to my little cousins birthday party 2 – 4 pm. So I said to him why don’t  you go to the Club (cos some of his mates were in watching the football) while I go to the party, then I’ll pick you up and we’ll go out for some tea, so we agreed on that. I rang him when I was leaving the party, he was fine, said he’d be ready. I got to the club and he got in the car, and I could tell he’d had more than a couple of pints straight away, and he’d got arse on cos he’d ‘had’ to come out the club! So we set off in the car, and he’s winding me up more and more with little comments about how he wished he could’ve stayed and all this, til I lost it and just said do ya wanna go back then? So he said yes! I couldn’t believe it, we’d made plans and he was changing them to go to the shocking club! I was driving his car, and I cos I was quite annoyed, I was driving like a crazy lady! So then he starts saying in the car ‘oh I tell ya what I’ll never see my friends again’! I really don’t think I’d said that, in fact I’m fairly sure it was me that suggested he go to the club in the first place! Anyway, he wanted me to drop him off at the club, but I was that angry at this point that as he went to get out the car at the club, I put foot down and parked up at my house so he had to walk (no big hardship as the club is literally a stones throw from my house but still)! And he stomped off to the club! It’s quite funny when I think about it now, but it wasn’t at the time! We did make friends later on, he came round to my house at 7 pm cos we’d got plans for my sister to come round for a takeaway! He was quite drunk though, so we couldn’t really talk about it properly that night, he went to work from my house Sunday Morning, and he rung me when he got there and apologised properly, he said he’s realised that I didn’t actually do anything wrong Saturday afternoon and that it was him that was out of order (which I knew anyway!)! It was only something little though, and I suppose it’s normal for people to argue, I think it’d probably be a bit strange if we didn’t really don’t ya think? 

 

The biggest thing at the minute though is his ex. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned what happened, but they’d been sort of split up since Christmas and she was staying in Liverpool (which is where she’s from), then they were gonna give it another go and she came back up for a bit but he found out that she’d been seeing someone else for about 4 months! The day after I met Ste, she came up to the village, loaded all the furniture from their house into a van and took it to Liverpool (I might just add that it was all Ste’s furniture that he bought and paid for!) Anyway, I think now she’s realised that she’s made a mistake and is now regretting it, cos she’s been sending him messages from her kids (their not his!) pulling on his heart strings, and then she sent him one last week saying can you tell your girlfriend to stop texting me…! I hadn’t text her, she was just making out! She told him I’d told her that me & Ste had been together 4 months.. why would I lie about that?? I didn’t even know him 7 weeks ago!!! Then she text him 10 times last Friday saying that I’d rung her! I haven’t even got her number!!! Fortunately it didn’t cause any trouble, but potentially it could’ve. Then last week she text him saying she still loved him!!! Ace or what? Anyway this has really bothered me over the last week or so, which I think it would any woman, or am I wrong in thinking that? You tell me ladies, if you was in a new relationship, and the fella’s ex was texting him anything up to 10 times a day, saying she still loved him and she was remembering the good times they had, oh and the other classic was when she text him and told him to listen to Leona Lewis new song Footprints in the Sand cos it made her think of them two together…Would that bother you? It’s made me feel quite insecure, and has caused a bit of bad feeling between me and Ste, cos I’ve been quite arsey about little things, cos I’ve got it into my head that she’s gonna get to him, and he’s gonna go back and I’ll be the one left on my own for a change!

 

We have sorted that out now, I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday, and I came to the conclusion, that me being all insecure and slightly crazy is not helping the situation at all! In fact it’s more likely to send him packing! It don’t help that I’m struggling with my other shit at the minute, I’ve not been sleeping and the ‘anniversary’ is coming up in 3 weeks again! And so called friends are getting involved and causing trouble!

So I made a decision to not let my usual insecurities ruin something that could potentially be quite good! And last night when he came round last night, we had an ace night and it was dead relaxed and we had a laugh, and it was how it was last week, before I started letting everything get to me! Plus she’s not text him since the weekend, which has eased my mind a little!

 

Anyway… I’ve waffled on a bit now! Looking forward to the Liverpool v Chelsea match tonight, think it might be a bit of a nail biter though! I really hope we can beat them! We’re going out to watch it cos it’s on Sky, so it should be good, Abigail’s sleeping at mum’s so I get a night off!

 

See ya Soon XxXxX

Breakthrough

I’ve just had what feels like a MASSIVE breakthrough with me Psychologist Lady.  

I’d planned to speak to her about the new fella and my behaviour towards him Friday night and all that, and we did discuss that for a while. I explained that I’d had too much to drink Friday because I’d felt nervous and ended up nearly sabotaging anything I could potentially have with him. And that the fact that he’d pulled me up on it, had forced me to re-evaluate my thinking about things. I said to her, I’m not sure how much of it has come from him, and how I feel about him making me want to make a change, and how much of it is about the fact that I’d been talking to her about my past and feelings and that’s made me want to change. She thinks that it might be a combination of the two, like if I hadn’t been talking to her I might not have done it, but a lot of time, when people change it’s cos they find someone to change with. And because it had scared me, that I nearly ruined everything, that’s made me want to change and made me want to make it work and if that means changing the way I think, then that’s what’s got to happen. It’s not like my old way of thinking was turning out well for me was it? She asked if I felt that I could let him in, and see my vulnerable side, and I think I could. Don’t get me wrong it’d be a gradual thing and it will have to be taken at my pace, but potentially, yes, and anyone who knows me, will know how unlike me it is, to say something like that! I never thought my way of thinking could be changed in the space of a week… And I’m not saying I’m cured and that, but at least it’s a step in the right direction! 

Anyway, that wasn’t the breakthrough… In talking about that, we were discussing my not letting myself show any vulnerability and being so defensive all the time and whether it stemmed from the reason why I find myself needing to talk to a psychologist. I think I might have mentioned in the past that I’ve been having difficulty in telling her in detail what happened to me, and I’ve really worked myself up about it. But today, just out of the blue, I explained some of the details of the event!! I’m so overwhelmed at the minute… I know it must be hard for you to grasp the concept of how massive this is for me, cos you probably haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about, but believe me… IT IS! I’ve worried for so long about how I’d explain it, what words I’d used, if I’d be emotional enough and it just came out today! I’ve not explained it all, or said it all out loud, but there’s time for that! I really feel like I’m starting to move forward with it all now, and maybe get to a point where I accept things a little better! I feel fab!!

 Things are still good on the new fella side of things… I’ve not seen him since Monday morning cos he’s on nights this week, but he’s rung me a couple of times and we’re still going to the zoo on Saturday. He’s coming to my house straight from work Friday night and I properly can’t wait to see him!! I’m very excited!! Lol!! 

See ya XxXxX

Ain’t Life Ace??

It seems ages since I blogged again, but it was only just over a week ago! A lot has happened again though..  Shocking ay?

I’m still not sure if I’m getting the brush off from the bloke I went out with the other week. The texts are very sporadic. But I’m not bothered about him any more, after he came round last Tuesday and said a couple of things that were really disrespectful and upset me quite a bit! I decided I weren’t putting myself through that again, not after everything what I went through with twathoop! 

On the plus side though, I went round to an old friend of mines last Saturday, it was her daughter’s birthday party (she’s in the same class as Abigail) and it was really great to catch up! It’s weird that we aren’t closer really because we have a lot in common. Anyway, while we were then, one of her boyfriend’s mates came round. He must have said something to Sarah cos she asked me if I liked him and wanted to go out with him or something! It was quite funny really cos it was like being back and school ‘my friend fancies your friend’ sort of thing! I said I didn’t know, cos I didn’t really know him, so Sarah said that him a couple of other friends were going round to her house that night for a drink and that and I ought to go down, so I did! Abigail and Katy were playing lovely and I spent most of the night in the kitchen, talking to Ste. We did get on really well and he asked me if I wanted to go out with them all the following day to watch the Liverpool v Man Utd match (don’t even get me started on that result… Grrr!!) so again we did. I was still very confused at this point as to what was happening with the other bloke so I didn’t know what to do for the best… Then after Tuesday with the other one being so disrespectful to me, that more or less made my decision for me. I was supposed to be going out with work Friday night, but it got cancelled, so I arranged with Ste for us to go out for a meal to Frankie & Benny’s. Abigail was stopping at mum’s and cos I was quite nervous I decided to have a drink or two to settle my nerves, then I had a couple more drinks when I got there, then a Bailey’s cocktail… I was already feeling rather drunk at this point, so what did I decide was the best plan when we got back to Sarah’s… Carry on drinking of course!! I was properly wasted by the time I went home… Ste walked me home and apparently I was being dead nasty to him! I can’t remember doing it though, we got back to mine and just to top the night off, I threw up!!! He cleaned me up and spent the night, but he didn’t try and take advantage or anything! He just made sure I was all right! So I woke up Saturday morning and felt rough as f**k! I was properly mortified with my behaviour…! He was fine with me though and we arranged to go out with Sarah and her fella and Jodie and Jez Saturday night, down Chesterfield. We had a fab night, us girlies went our way and the lads went theirs. We met up with them in one pub and I went to talk to Ste and he was a bit funny with me, so I asked what was wrong and he said I’d upset him by being nasty the night before, so I said I couldn’t remember what I’d said or anything but I was sorry, he said that I was too defensive (which I am) and it was like I was trying to push him away! Which, to be fair is what I do… I’ve done it in the past and it’s very likely that that is what I was doing Friday night. I’ve always pushed everyone away, because that way they don’t get too close and I don’t get hurt (in theory anyway)! So we had a bit of a conversation about it and I said I was bang out of order, and I’d really try to stop it. He came home with me from Chesterfield, and after we’d been home about an hour or so Jodie rung to see if her and Jez could stop at mine… so they came round as well! We had a right laugh, decided to order pizza at 2 in the morning!! Ace!

Sunday, me, Ste and Abigail went out to Chesterfield for some dinner, there was a lovely pond near the place we went to, so we took Abigail to have a look and feed the ducks! It was just lovely. Normally I don’t like to take Abigail out with anyone that I’m seeing, but it was only lunch and she loved it!

I spoke to Sue Sunday, and even she said ‘whats up with you letting ya guard down’. So I told her about what he’d said to me about being so defensive and that and she said ‘Good, that’s what you need, someone to pull ya up on it’! And I think she might be right, but I’m going to talk to my Psychologist lady about it when I go on Thursday! Its weird cos I really like him ( I know I said that about the bloke before, but I was slightly deluded then!) and he’s text me a lot and normally that puts me off, but it hasn’t this time. I want him to text me. Plus, I saw him every day over the weekend, but he’s on nights this week, so I won’t see him til Friday (cos by the time I get in from work, he’s gone to work) and I’m missing him… is that a bit odd?? I don’t know, but it can only be a good sign really can’t it! We’re going out Saturday to the zoo!! I’m very excited about that! 

But, of course, you know that if I’ve had some good news and enjoyed myself slightly then it’s got to be balanced out by some shit! This, came in the form of mum & Leanne, for a change! All hell broke lose Sunday, I’m not gonna go into all the details cos I’ve waffled on for ages anyway, but basically, she refused to come to my house as was planned and mum didn’t want her at home. Dad came round and was trying to talk some sense into her, but she was going to phone the police on all of us (??!?!) and then she attacked me & Dad, like properly, physically attacked us! Ace or what?? Now, for those of you that know Leanne, ya know she’s a big girl and I think in a fight, she’d probably do me! It was well scary! We did manage to calm her down eventually and social services got her a place a Yew Trees for the night! But I really don’t know what to do with the whole situation now. She’s supposed to be coming to me Wednesday and Thursday night this week, but mum’s asked me if I can have her Saturday night instead, but I really don’t want to! Is that really selfish of me? It’s just that if we’re going out all day and that… ya know?? I feel guilty for not wanting to have her though! It pissed me off as well at the weekend, cos I’d been having such a good time and felt like I was actually 23 not about 53 then I got the phone call and I had to go and spend all afternoon sat at my mum’s cos they couldn’t be left alone together… And again, it probably sounds dead selfish, but what about my life ya know? I needed to get ironing done, and have a bath and get Abigail sorted and get everything ready for work but instead it was 9 pm when I got home! 

I’ll shut up now… I’ve probably bored everyone shitless!!!XxXxX

Sometimes love just ain’t enough….

See, just when you thought I was getting better at updating… I’m not!! Lol!! 

I had a lovely week off around my birthday. It was so nice to spend so much time with Abigail and she really loved it too! It made such a refreshing change, I feel really guilty for leaving her while I go to work and I worry about the long term effects it will have on her, but what other choice have I got really? We didn’t do anything especially exciting, I had planned to take her on a couple of trips out to the zoo or something like that, but to be honest the weather wasn’t really up to it! So we’ll save that for her summer holidays, cos I’ve planned to have some time off while she’s off then as well! 

Then I had to come back to work though! It’s not that I don’t enjoy work, cos I’m loving it now, more than I’ve ever enjoyed a job before. I get on brilliantly with the two girls I sit with and it’s a laugh, but when you’ve had a week off it makes it hard to get up in the morning and come back! Things have been a little hectic at work just lately, cos there’s usually 2 people doing my job and at the moment there’s just little old me! Someone has been appointed though, and I’m in the process of training him up, so hopefully it won’t be long until he’s in post and things calm down a little! 

My bestest friend from when we were kids is having a baby! I’m soooo excited. I’ve known Jodie all my life and she did have some bad times in her teens and that, so to see her now, married, with her own house and now with a little baby on the way, it’s really nice. She’s asked me to be Godmother to little Baby Deakin when it’s born too, which is a HUGE honour, and of course I accepted! So I’ll be being a Godmother twice now, cos Carly’s asked me to be Godmother to her lil baby when he’s born too! How lucky am I? All these babies that I can cuddle and spoil, and most importantly, give back to their parents when they start crying!!!  

My mum’s foot is still strapped up, she went back to clinic and they’ve re-x-rayed it and it’s healing, just very slowly. So they’ve removed the pot and put this air boot thing on, that looks a bit like a moon boot! She’s starting Physio as well, but she’s also got to have a bone density scan cos they think she might have osteoporosis. Apparently cos she had a hysterectomy at a fairly young age, and has been on HRT since then, she’s more at risk to get osteoporosis! So that should be interesting…! 

The psychologist sessions are going well… I feel like I had a bit of a break through last week after going through a couple of weeks where I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere and I was feeling really defensive about it, but this week the walls seem to have come down a bit and I finally feel like I might be making progress. I am very conscious that they ‘anniversary’ is approaching (May) and it’ll be 10 years this year which feels like it’s a bit of a milestone. Hopefully with the counselling and that I’ll cope better this year than I did last. And also with a bit of luck, and the grace of God I might not have all the other shit to deal with like I did last year as well, which will probably help! 

Not much else to report really…! Nothing happening on the romantic side of my life… But there’s no surprise there then! I’m fed up of being single and on my own now! So if anyone knows any decent single fella’s…. point them in my direction!! Lol… No I’m serious!! 

Still no positivity!

It’s been a while again hasn’t it? I’ve been a bit crap with the updating lately!

I went to see that Reiki lady last week, it was very odd! She started off by asking why I was there and I explained that I’d been feeling negative and angry all the time. Then, she asked for some background information so I told her. It’s weird though cos she knew stuff that I hadn’t told her, like for example, I never mentioned anything about TH and she sat there for a few minutes and said, there’s something else that’s bothering you, something you’ve not mentioned. Then she said that I’ve got like a spirit with me all the time guiding me, and he had told her to ask me about my neighbours, so I just said no there’s nothing wrong with my neighbours, it wasn’t til I came away that I realised the link between the neighbour and TH! Anyway, she did the Reiki thing on me, which consists of her like, channelling your energies and clearing all the negative stuff so you’re open to receive positive stuff (or summat like that, I didn’t really understand it to be honest)! It felt really weird when she was doing it, my body kept twitching and my legs were shaking and she just kept saying that it was perfectly normal! She said that it wasn’t really about me feeling angry, it’s more to do with the choices I’ve made and me feeling like they’ve been the wrong ones, which I think is bang on, cos lets be honest, I’m not exactly brilliant at making the right choices am I? I did feel better when I came out, I felt all light and everything, but unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to have lasted, cos I feel as negative and down as I did before now!  

Thursday, I went back to see my Psychologist lady. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all, in fact I nearly cancelled it on Wednesday! But I decided to go and deal with it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be really, but it wasn’t pleasant! I can’t remember what we discussed now, but I know it was about choices again. She said I don’t trust myself to make the right choices and I said no, I don’t cos it seems every time I’m faced with a choice I automatically choose the most destructive option! She also said that I’ve got unresolved issues about rejection and trust which is why I keep repeating my behaviour with TH, and men like him. Cos she thinks I go for men like that, who won’t/can’t commit and offer me what I want, cos then I don’t have to let them in or let my guard down so it’s a safer choice for me, even though I do still get hurt, its not the same as if you trust someone and let them in and start to depend on them and THEN they let you down and leave you. But, she said this can be resolved, we just have to get to the original source of it, and then she thinks I can move on and have healthy relationship, but I’m not convinced!!

I still haven’t seen TH by the way, in case you hadn’t guessed. But I’m still frustrating myself by wanting him to turn up and almost sitting waiting him all the god damn time!

In good news, all this negativity is helping with one of the New Years Resolutions, the diets doing well cos I’ve hardly eaten anything this week… I just haven’t been hungry, so I’ve lost nearly 5 lb this week!  But, none of that has made me feel any better! I just think, you can talk to you’re blue in the face but it doesn’t change the facts, I’m not happy, I’m still alone and I’m sat in the house, on my own, every night and anyone who thinks I’m feeling sorry for myself should try being on their own, day after day, night after night and see how you feel!  

New Year

Apologies for being late with my New Year blog! I’ve really felt like crap for the past week or so and I couldn’t be arsed to do anything to be honest! 

So Happy New Year everyone! Hope 2008 brings lots of nice, lovely things for all my friends! Can’t say I’m having the most positive start to 08! But I don’t suppose that’s a big surprise. I’m hoping I’ll start feeling a bit more positive soon though, cos I’ve got a few New Years Resolutions I’d like to make, I know you’re supposed to make them on 1^st January but with me not feeling overly positive and not being back in the full work routine there’s no point starting yet cos I’ll only break them! So from Tuesday (that’s when I’m back at work properly) I plan to: 

1. Get Healthy!!! I’m gonna start a proper diet and intend to do some form of exercise, although I’ve not determined what yet. I’m thinking about maybe, when I get in from work going for a run, then walking down to pick Abigail up and walking back. I think that’ll be a good place to start, cos I’ve not really got to time to go to the Gym or anything now with me working later. Although I do love it at the Gym.
2. Have a more positive attitude towards life in general.
3. Get over TH and get him out of my life once and for all. Not sure how to achieve this one, but I know I want to!

 I think that’ll do, I don’t want to make too many cos then you’re just setting yourself up for failure! New Year’s Eve was good in the most part. I was at work NYE day but fortunately they let us finish at 3 which was a bonus considering I had to be ready for 7! So we went out at 7 and into Pleasley, and had a proper laugh, time flew and before we knew it we were still in the Lakeside at 11 pm! We’d not made any arrangements to get back to the village but we wanted to be back at the club for midnight. We were lucky really cos some of the other folk that were out from the village had booked a minibus and we know the bloke that was driving and he agreed to come back for us and take us back up! Everyone was in good spirits and there was no trouble which really makes a change!! Midnight came and I cried! I don’t even know why to be honest I was just looking round at everyone all happy with their partners and felt alone and a little bit like a spare part! Once I’d got over that I was ok though, I went home at about 1.30 am. I decided in my drunken wisdom that it’d be a good time to start taking the Christmas Decorations down!! So I did! I left the tree but took all the garlands and tinsel down!! I was going to go to bed but didn’t feel tired at all, then Sue came down! At 3 am, cos her brother in law was throwing up in her sink! So she came out the way! Unfortunately though, her father in law followed her down here, so I ended up making him a cup of tea and me & Sue had to listen to him telling his ‘stories’ at 3 in the morning!! 

I’ve not seen or heard anything from TH. So don’t know whats happened there… again! It really bugged me all over Christmas, cos I’ve let him get to me again and before I was in a place where I wasn’t thinking about him all the time and waiting for him to show up, but now I am again!! Grrr… Men! Will I ever meet someone that makes me happy? It’s not looking good is it? 

I’m going to see a Reiki lady on Monday! I’m not really sure what to expect from it, but Sue’s been and she says she feel 100 times better than she did, like everything that’s been burdening and bothering her has been lifted. So it’s got to be worth a shot! I’d do anything to feel better at the minute! Then I’ve got my first appointment of the New Year with my Psychologist lady on Thursday. I’m a bit apprehensive about that, cos last time we were talking about the actual thing that had happened and I’m not sure if I want to go there again!! We’ll see though ay? 

Well, I think I’ve rattled on a bit there! See Ya…

Its not as bad now…

You might be pleased to hear that I am feeling slightly better about life in general at the moment. I still wouldn’t say I was jumping for joy with it all but I’m not ready to go and throw myself under a train or summat… well, not just yet anyway!

Works been good this week, I’m really quite busy at the moment and I will get more busy next week cos the other lady that does the same job as me is moving over to the Application Support side of our little department, leaving all the Data Quality stuff for me to do. I know I’ve complained in the past that I’ve been bored ad had nothing to do so I don’t really want to moan now that I’ve got plenty to do, but I’m thinking that it might get a little too much when it’s all GOT to be done ya know? And I don’t know if I can cope with the pressure at the minute, with everything else I’ve got going on!! Hmmm, we’ll see! They’ve advertised for the other Data Quality job so hopefully it won’t be too long til they get someone in post, but having said that whoever gets the job will need training before they can actually take some of the workload! 

I went for my Clinical Psychologist appt again on Thursday. It was very revealing again. I told her that I’ve been feeling really low and hopeless this week and I said sometimes I look at Abigail and wish I was young again and didn’t have to worry about anything anymore ya know? Well she then asked what happened in my life when I was Abigail’s age, and I’ve never considered this before, but that’s when my youngest sister (who’s disabled) was born, and because Leanne was a lot of work as a baby and Dad had to work, I had to look after Carly, which, as the Psychologist pointed out, is a huge responsibility for a 5 year old. This then carried on all through mine and Carly’s childhood. Mum was always so busy with Leanne that she didn’t have any time for us so I stepped up and was always there for Carly. In fact, one of Carly’s first memories is of me teaching her to read and write. When Carly was ill with Shingles, I suppose she was about 9, so I’d be 11/12 and Mum was also ill I stayed off school to look after Carly cos Mum ‘Couldn’t’ and I was telling the psychologist this and she said, ‘who looked after you when you were ill’ and again I’ve never really considered it but nobody did, I looked after myself and coped with things on my own from being so young. The psychologist then said that, that’s why when what happened to me, happened I didn’t tell anyone cos they wouldn’t have had time to look after me anyway. It still happens now as well really… I’m the first one any of them ring when they’ve got a problem and I’m expected to deal with it for them. Just this week, my brother’s been in hospital again so it was me that had to deal with that, Leanne has got herself in trouble and when Mum found out what’s the first thing she did? She rang me at work to see what she should do. But, if I’ve got a problem I feel like I’m not allowed to burden them with it, I have to deal with things on my own. And I know that if I’d have gone to my mum last week when Iwas feeling really low she’d have just told me to pull myself together. Just once I’d like one of them to deal with my problems for me.  

In happier news though… Carly’s Pregnant!!! We’ve known for a while now but I wasn’t allowed to say anything til she’d had her first scan, which was yesterday! She’s 12 weeks gone and is due in June next year!! Exciting ay? I’m gonna be an Aunty again! We went to Drew’s brother’s 21^st birthday party last night. It was a proper posh party and I got to wear a dead posh dress and go out looking like a laydeeeee!!! It’s possibly that after half a bottle of wine and several Smirnoff Ices that I didn’t behave like a lady though! It was a good night though… that is until Drew took me and Abigail home and his Uncle got a lift with us and he tried to grope me in the back seat of the car… this would be fine except he’s married, balding, more than a little overweight and nearly 50!! Wow, I’m a lucky girl really aren’t I??  

Good result for the Liverpool boys Wednesday night ay? 4 – 1 against Porto. Torres got two, Crouch got one and Gerrard got a penalty! We just need to win against Marseille in a fortnight and we’ll be through!! 

See y’all soon!!  

More Ponderance (Is that even a word…? Who knows?)

Thought I’d treat you all to another post… and so soon after my last one… You’re lucky peeps really aren’t you! 

I went to see the Clinical Psychologist again today. It went quite well I think, although I’ve come away in a pondering sort of mood again but I suppose that’s to be expected. I’m finding it difficult to know what to say about things and get the conversation started you know? She asked me how I’d felt after the session last week, and I said I felt strangely young. I know that must sound very bizarre but, I did. When I came out and went back to the car it all felt a bit strange. She said it’s probably because I’d been talking about my life as it was 10 years ago and maybe part of my brain was still there if ya get me? She then asked if it had made me think about anything since I’d seen her. And, oddly it has but I’m not thinking about the actual event that’s lead me to seek counselling but about the week or so leading up to it. Which, lead me to think about Abigail’s Dad. In the week surrounding everything I spoke to him for what was probably the first time properly when him and his friends came up and met me and mine. I’ve never really considered this fact before, because it was more or less at that point when we first became friends and probably the first signs of an attraction between us. Anyway, it wasn’t until about a year later that we actually became boyfriend and girlfriend and he was the first person I really told about what had happened and is probably the only one that I’ve ever told any sort of detail to. The psychologist thinks that because of this I still have emotional ties to him that are separate from the Abigail issue. I’ve not really considered this option before but I do think she’s right. She says it sounds like when I’m saying I want him to be there for Abigail I actually want him to be there for me too, and that I’m still hurt and upset that, the one person I’d trusted above everyone else, and the one person that had consistently been there for me through everything, let me down when I needed him most, when I became pregnant. Thinking about it now, I think she’s right, she also thinks that on some level I still love him and want us to be together as a family, which, if someone had said that to me a week ago I would have pretty much laughed in their face, but thinking about it in context with everything else, I just don’t know. Maybe that’s why I only ever seem to have gone for men that quite obviously aren’t going to commit etc, because I still, on some unconscious level, want to be with him?  Also, maybe that’s why we seem to continue to have an emotional and sometimes physical relationship? When everything went tits up with twathoop in May it was him I spoke to, when he was having troubles at the end of his previous relationship he came to me… She said it’s time to lay everything out on the table and say do we think there is the possibility that we still have feelings for each other and if not, we need to sever the ties and go out separate ways… completely. That scares me, I don’t know if I want to admit that in fact I might still have feelings for him or face up to the fact that we need to not speak anymore and stop relying on each other for emotional and physical fulfilment.  

Some food for thought there… Maybe I should try and speak to him? What do we think? 

Anyway, in other news… I took Abigail to the Dr’s tonight, and guess what? Still no referral to the Hospital!! How pissed off was I? He says her ears are completely full of wax (yeah I know, I’m the one that’s been trying to get her to hear me!) and until that’s gone we can’t really assess her hearing… So, I’ve got to put warm olive oil in her ears every day for 3 weeks and then take her back… AGAIN!!! Grrr!! 

I’ve actually started my xmas shopping now as well… not got loads but it’s a start. Gonna get a bit more done tomorrow as well I hope. I’m also hoping to see Chelle tomorrow, maybe get her opinion on what the psychologist said as she’s probably the only one that knew me when I was with Abigail’s dad… and knows me now! That’s always assuming Baby Hough doesn’t make his entry into the world in the mean time! I do want to see Chelle and catch up obviously but, I hope for her sake, that the lil man puts an appearance in soon! I know she’s well ready now… Don’t worry mate… won’t be long now!!! Love Ya!!!

Oh and… errr… the football… Mint wasn’t it?? I’ve never seen a bunch of players put in such a shit performance! I’ve seen more classy football played on Houghton rek!! At least it’s got rid of McClaren though! He was a whole lot of use stood under is brolly!! We need someone that’s at least a little bit passionate about the game and England… look at the Croatian manager he was jumping up and down and screaming and they had already qualified anyway!! Pfff… Crap!!! 

That’ll do I think….