I’ve picked my pram!

Me again folks…. Thought I’d treat you to a little update! I’m determined to be better at updating this blog! With that in mind, I have already updated my ‘About me’ page and intend to do a ’50 new things about me’ as well… So check those out!

 

First off… I’m now 23 weeks and 5 days pregnant, meaning I’m very close to being 24 weeks. This is an important milestone for me, mainly because, baby will then be considered ‘viable’, meaning that (god forbid) anything happens and I have to deliver early, every effort will be made to save him, as much as is possible! Obviously I don’t want this to happen, I want him to stay where he is as long as he needs to, so he is as healthy as possible when he arrives, but it’s nice to know, that should the worst happen, the Dr’s would feel it was as important as I feel it is, that he is given the best opportunity…. If that makes any sense? It’s hard to describe what I mean… I think anyone who’s had a baby will probably understand though!

 

Things seem to be going ok, pregnancy wise… I think I may have spoke too soon about the sleeping though (that’ll teach me for showing off that I was actually getting any sleep!) because, for the last week I’ve been very restless at night, and generally not sleeping, which is not great, but also not a complete surprise! I hope it doesn’t last for the duration of the pregnancy, but I’ve a feeling it might, I’m going to speak to my midwife when I see her next week, although I’m fairly sure there is little they can do to help. I’m wondering now though, whether I’m going to be able to work up to 36 weeks as I’d planned? I know I’m only doing 3 days a week, but even that can feel too much, when you’ve had no sleep. I guess I’ll have to see how I go and if it gets too much I might have to bring forward the start of my Maternity. We’ll see.

 

I had a very exciting day yesterday… I went and picked the pram! I’ve been flicking through catalogues and browsing the internet for the ‘perfect’ pram more or less since I found out I was pregnant and I’ve found it now! It’s the Silver Cross Sleepover Classic in Jet Sport and I LOVE IT!! I wanted something that had the traditional pram style but was also modern and would last. This fits the bill as it converts into a pushchair that can be used until baby is 3 or 4. Me and Ste are going back to the shop on Monday to order it and put the deposit down! Here’s a few pics….

 

       

 

I’m still really enjoying work. It’s nice to be back into the routine of going out to work and living in the ‘real world’ so to speak. Because I was off all summer holidays with Abigail we had nothing to get up for, so all the days kind of blurred into one a bit!

 

Speaking of Abigail, I’m having some trouble with school again. They’re going to town on the ‘Healthy Eating’ thing, which in theory is fine. But, in my opinion, they’re taking it a bit far! They’re now checking the children’s lunch boxes to see if the contents are deemed ‘suitable’ and keep chastising them if they take things which are not suitable. Now, firstly, I don’t want anyone checking Abigail’s lunch box, particularly to see what filling she’s got on her cob… I mean would you want to eat a cob if someone had had their hands round it checking what was on it? Secondly, I pack Abigail’s lunch, so I am more than aware of what she is eating, so why should Abigail be made to feel guilty or naughty for eating what her Mum has sent her? And thirdly, who are they to tell me what to feed my child? I send Abigail to school to learn and to be given an education, as far as I am aware I am still responsible for her health and well being. I mean,  it’s not like I send her with a lunch box full of crap! She takes 1 cob, a yoghurt, 1 packet of Walkers crisps, 1 small chocolate biscuit (like a Rocky or Penguin) and some squash in her pop bottle… What is wrong with that?? We’ve had letters home saying what we can and can’t send in their lunch which I think is just wrong! So I’m going to see the Headmaster tomorrow and have my piece with him! I’ve already had to go down once this term (and we’re only 3 weeks in remember) because the dinner ladies (who apparently think they’re some sort of mini-hitler) were giving the children on sandwiches 10 minutes to eat they’re lunch so those on dinners could get in the canteen, and I mean they were literally standing over Abigail shouting at her to hurry up, so Abigail was too scared to eat anything, for 3 days all she had at school was a few bites of cob and her yoghurt, they wouldn’t even let her have a drink!!! I know I’m not the only parent upset about all this… And I’m not prepared to let it lie!

 

Rant over for now I think… Better dash…. Ciao XxXxX

Ain’t Life Ace??

It seems ages since I blogged again, but it was only just over a week ago! A lot has happened again though..  Shocking ay?

I’m still not sure if I’m getting the brush off from the bloke I went out with the other week. The texts are very sporadic. But I’m not bothered about him any more, after he came round last Tuesday and said a couple of things that were really disrespectful and upset me quite a bit! I decided I weren’t putting myself through that again, not after everything what I went through with twathoop! 

On the plus side though, I went round to an old friend of mines last Saturday, it was her daughter’s birthday party (she’s in the same class as Abigail) and it was really great to catch up! It’s weird that we aren’t closer really because we have a lot in common. Anyway, while we were then, one of her boyfriend’s mates came round. He must have said something to Sarah cos she asked me if I liked him and wanted to go out with him or something! It was quite funny really cos it was like being back and school ‘my friend fancies your friend’ sort of thing! I said I didn’t know, cos I didn’t really know him, so Sarah said that him a couple of other friends were going round to her house that night for a drink and that and I ought to go down, so I did! Abigail and Katy were playing lovely and I spent most of the night in the kitchen, talking to Ste. We did get on really well and he asked me if I wanted to go out with them all the following day to watch the Liverpool v Man Utd match (don’t even get me started on that result… Grrr!!) so again we did. I was still very confused at this point as to what was happening with the other bloke so I didn’t know what to do for the best… Then after Tuesday with the other one being so disrespectful to me, that more or less made my decision for me. I was supposed to be going out with work Friday night, but it got cancelled, so I arranged with Ste for us to go out for a meal to Frankie & Benny’s. Abigail was stopping at mum’s and cos I was quite nervous I decided to have a drink or two to settle my nerves, then I had a couple more drinks when I got there, then a Bailey’s cocktail… I was already feeling rather drunk at this point, so what did I decide was the best plan when we got back to Sarah’s… Carry on drinking of course!! I was properly wasted by the time I went home… Ste walked me home and apparently I was being dead nasty to him! I can’t remember doing it though, we got back to mine and just to top the night off, I threw up!!! He cleaned me up and spent the night, but he didn’t try and take advantage or anything! He just made sure I was all right! So I woke up Saturday morning and felt rough as f**k! I was properly mortified with my behaviour…! He was fine with me though and we arranged to go out with Sarah and her fella and Jodie and Jez Saturday night, down Chesterfield. We had a fab night, us girlies went our way and the lads went theirs. We met up with them in one pub and I went to talk to Ste and he was a bit funny with me, so I asked what was wrong and he said I’d upset him by being nasty the night before, so I said I couldn’t remember what I’d said or anything but I was sorry, he said that I was too defensive (which I am) and it was like I was trying to push him away! Which, to be fair is what I do… I’ve done it in the past and it’s very likely that that is what I was doing Friday night. I’ve always pushed everyone away, because that way they don’t get too close and I don’t get hurt (in theory anyway)! So we had a bit of a conversation about it and I said I was bang out of order, and I’d really try to stop it. He came home with me from Chesterfield, and after we’d been home about an hour or so Jodie rung to see if her and Jez could stop at mine… so they came round as well! We had a right laugh, decided to order pizza at 2 in the morning!! Ace!

Sunday, me, Ste and Abigail went out to Chesterfield for some dinner, there was a lovely pond near the place we went to, so we took Abigail to have a look and feed the ducks! It was just lovely. Normally I don’t like to take Abigail out with anyone that I’m seeing, but it was only lunch and she loved it!

I spoke to Sue Sunday, and even she said ‘whats up with you letting ya guard down’. So I told her about what he’d said to me about being so defensive and that and she said ‘Good, that’s what you need, someone to pull ya up on it’! And I think she might be right, but I’m going to talk to my Psychologist lady about it when I go on Thursday! Its weird cos I really like him ( I know I said that about the bloke before, but I was slightly deluded then!) and he’s text me a lot and normally that puts me off, but it hasn’t this time. I want him to text me. Plus, I saw him every day over the weekend, but he’s on nights this week, so I won’t see him til Friday (cos by the time I get in from work, he’s gone to work) and I’m missing him… is that a bit odd?? I don’t know, but it can only be a good sign really can’t it! We’re going out Saturday to the zoo!! I’m very excited about that! 

But, of course, you know that if I’ve had some good news and enjoyed myself slightly then it’s got to be balanced out by some shit! This, came in the form of mum & Leanne, for a change! All hell broke lose Sunday, I’m not gonna go into all the details cos I’ve waffled on for ages anyway, but basically, she refused to come to my house as was planned and mum didn’t want her at home. Dad came round and was trying to talk some sense into her, but she was going to phone the police on all of us (??!?!) and then she attacked me & Dad, like properly, physically attacked us! Ace or what?? Now, for those of you that know Leanne, ya know she’s a big girl and I think in a fight, she’d probably do me! It was well scary! We did manage to calm her down eventually and social services got her a place a Yew Trees for the night! But I really don’t know what to do with the whole situation now. She’s supposed to be coming to me Wednesday and Thursday night this week, but mum’s asked me if I can have her Saturday night instead, but I really don’t want to! Is that really selfish of me? It’s just that if we’re going out all day and that… ya know?? I feel guilty for not wanting to have her though! It pissed me off as well at the weekend, cos I’d been having such a good time and felt like I was actually 23 not about 53 then I got the phone call and I had to go and spend all afternoon sat at my mum’s cos they couldn’t be left alone together… And again, it probably sounds dead selfish, but what about my life ya know? I needed to get ironing done, and have a bath and get Abigail sorted and get everything ready for work but instead it was 9 pm when I got home! 

I’ll shut up now… I’ve probably bored everyone shitless!!!XxXxX

Still no positivity!

It’s been a while again hasn’t it? I’ve been a bit crap with the updating lately!

I went to see that Reiki lady last week, it was very odd! She started off by asking why I was there and I explained that I’d been feeling negative and angry all the time. Then, she asked for some background information so I told her. It’s weird though cos she knew stuff that I hadn’t told her, like for example, I never mentioned anything about TH and she sat there for a few minutes and said, there’s something else that’s bothering you, something you’ve not mentioned. Then she said that I’ve got like a spirit with me all the time guiding me, and he had told her to ask me about my neighbours, so I just said no there’s nothing wrong with my neighbours, it wasn’t til I came away that I realised the link between the neighbour and TH! Anyway, she did the Reiki thing on me, which consists of her like, channelling your energies and clearing all the negative stuff so you’re open to receive positive stuff (or summat like that, I didn’t really understand it to be honest)! It felt really weird when she was doing it, my body kept twitching and my legs were shaking and she just kept saying that it was perfectly normal! She said that it wasn’t really about me feeling angry, it’s more to do with the choices I’ve made and me feeling like they’ve been the wrong ones, which I think is bang on, cos lets be honest, I’m not exactly brilliant at making the right choices am I? I did feel better when I came out, I felt all light and everything, but unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to have lasted, cos I feel as negative and down as I did before now!  

Thursday, I went back to see my Psychologist lady. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all, in fact I nearly cancelled it on Wednesday! But I decided to go and deal with it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be really, but it wasn’t pleasant! I can’t remember what we discussed now, but I know it was about choices again. She said I don’t trust myself to make the right choices and I said no, I don’t cos it seems every time I’m faced with a choice I automatically choose the most destructive option! She also said that I’ve got unresolved issues about rejection and trust which is why I keep repeating my behaviour with TH, and men like him. Cos she thinks I go for men like that, who won’t/can’t commit and offer me what I want, cos then I don’t have to let them in or let my guard down so it’s a safer choice for me, even though I do still get hurt, its not the same as if you trust someone and let them in and start to depend on them and THEN they let you down and leave you. But, she said this can be resolved, we just have to get to the original source of it, and then she thinks I can move on and have healthy relationship, but I’m not convinced!!

I still haven’t seen TH by the way, in case you hadn’t guessed. But I’m still frustrating myself by wanting him to turn up and almost sitting waiting him all the god damn time!

In good news, all this negativity is helping with one of the New Years Resolutions, the diets doing well cos I’ve hardly eaten anything this week… I just haven’t been hungry, so I’ve lost nearly 5 lb this week!  But, none of that has made me feel any better! I just think, you can talk to you’re blue in the face but it doesn’t change the facts, I’m not happy, I’m still alone and I’m sat in the house, on my own, every night and anyone who thinks I’m feeling sorry for myself should try being on their own, day after day, night after night and see how you feel!  

New Year

Apologies for being late with my New Year blog! I’ve really felt like crap for the past week or so and I couldn’t be arsed to do anything to be honest! 

So Happy New Year everyone! Hope 2008 brings lots of nice, lovely things for all my friends! Can’t say I’m having the most positive start to 08! But I don’t suppose that’s a big surprise. I’m hoping I’ll start feeling a bit more positive soon though, cos I’ve got a few New Years Resolutions I’d like to make, I know you’re supposed to make them on 1^st January but with me not feeling overly positive and not being back in the full work routine there’s no point starting yet cos I’ll only break them! So from Tuesday (that’s when I’m back at work properly) I plan to: 

1. Get Healthy!!! I’m gonna start a proper diet and intend to do some form of exercise, although I’ve not determined what yet. I’m thinking about maybe, when I get in from work going for a run, then walking down to pick Abigail up and walking back. I think that’ll be a good place to start, cos I’ve not really got to time to go to the Gym or anything now with me working later. Although I do love it at the Gym.
2. Have a more positive attitude towards life in general.
3. Get over TH and get him out of my life once and for all. Not sure how to achieve this one, but I know I want to!

 I think that’ll do, I don’t want to make too many cos then you’re just setting yourself up for failure! New Year’s Eve was good in the most part. I was at work NYE day but fortunately they let us finish at 3 which was a bonus considering I had to be ready for 7! So we went out at 7 and into Pleasley, and had a proper laugh, time flew and before we knew it we were still in the Lakeside at 11 pm! We’d not made any arrangements to get back to the village but we wanted to be back at the club for midnight. We were lucky really cos some of the other folk that were out from the village had booked a minibus and we know the bloke that was driving and he agreed to come back for us and take us back up! Everyone was in good spirits and there was no trouble which really makes a change!! Midnight came and I cried! I don’t even know why to be honest I was just looking round at everyone all happy with their partners and felt alone and a little bit like a spare part! Once I’d got over that I was ok though, I went home at about 1.30 am. I decided in my drunken wisdom that it’d be a good time to start taking the Christmas Decorations down!! So I did! I left the tree but took all the garlands and tinsel down!! I was going to go to bed but didn’t feel tired at all, then Sue came down! At 3 am, cos her brother in law was throwing up in her sink! So she came out the way! Unfortunately though, her father in law followed her down here, so I ended up making him a cup of tea and me & Sue had to listen to him telling his ‘stories’ at 3 in the morning!! 

I’ve not seen or heard anything from TH. So don’t know whats happened there… again! It really bugged me all over Christmas, cos I’ve let him get to me again and before I was in a place where I wasn’t thinking about him all the time and waiting for him to show up, but now I am again!! Grrr… Men! Will I ever meet someone that makes me happy? It’s not looking good is it? 

I’m going to see a Reiki lady on Monday! I’m not really sure what to expect from it, but Sue’s been and she says she feel 100 times better than she did, like everything that’s been burdening and bothering her has been lifted. So it’s got to be worth a shot! I’d do anything to feel better at the minute! Then I’ve got my first appointment of the New Year with my Psychologist lady on Thursday. I’m a bit apprehensive about that, cos last time we were talking about the actual thing that had happened and I’m not sure if I want to go there again!! We’ll see though ay? 

Well, I think I’ve rattled on a bit there! See Ya…

Bizarre Rant

Well, I’m still extremely bored!! I can’t believe how shit this festive period has been for me! I only hope the New Years Eve is better but unless the fates deliver my dream man to my door sometime over this weekend, I’ll be alone NYE and therefore will be depressed! Mint! 

I’m so frustrated about how things are in my life at the moment, and it’s made worse by the fact that there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, it’s completely out of my control! When I think back to how I was, what, say a month, 6 weeks ago to how I am now… it’s really not fair ya know? I was doing ok, I wasn’t laying awake every night waiting, but knowing it’s not gonna happen. Obviously the feelings were still there or I wouldn’t be where I am now, but I was living and getting on with life. But now, now, I’m so wound up and frustrated about wanting it, I mean, God, it physically hurts how much I want it! And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I get what I want one night, say this weekend for example, that I’ll fold and allow it all to happen, cos I WANT it to happen, but I don’t want to feel like this for a fortnight though, is it really worth that price? Logically I know it’s not worth the cost, yet I still do it? Now, why is that? What’s that about? When I’ve spoken to the Psychologist about it, I explained to her that I need to understand why I do it, because I can’t make sense of it in my mind!  

A bizarre little rant for everyone there… hope ya enjoyed it! Pfff…

Just when you think things have got as bad as they can… They get worse!

I know I’ve been crap with the updating again… Naughty me! I’ve had a pretty shit week though to be honest… I bet you’re shocked really aren’t you? 

It all started Saturday, but I’m not going to go into that now. I plan to discuss the events of Saturday with the Psychologist tomorrow, in a feeble attempt to make sense of it in my own mind before I start trying to explain it to anyone, not that anyone will understand anyway, or care! 

Then Monday, I went to work as normal, but Mum rung me, pretty much as soon as I got there and there was hell on at their house between her and Leanne. Basically they’ve not been getting on for a while now and things really came to a head Monday morning. They were screaming at each other and Mum has hit Leanne. So, once again, she rung me to see what she should do so I said, if it’s that bad, ring social services cos they’ve got a social worker anyway. So she did and I ended up coming out of work to be there when the Social worker got there. By the time I got there, the social workers had arrived and one was taking Leanne away in the car and the other was talking to mum. Mum seemed to be in quite a mess, and at one point I thought I was going to have to ring the Dr to give her summat to calm her down, so she’s talking to the Social Worker and fucking Bob comes over sticking his fat oar in. They were proper laying it on thick, now I’m not saying Leanne is a walk in the park but they were making her out to be a psycho that could flip at any time, and even hurt Abigail and Alex, which is just not true! So I was trying to explain the situation from an impartial point of view but no one seemed to be paying attention to what I had to say. The social worker then said they didn’t think it was a good idea for Leanne to stay at home but the emergency respite place they keep had been filled that morning, so basically if we couldn’t find her somewhere within the family to stay she’d go into Foster Care or something, so now, she’s living with me! Oh yes, I’ve been confined to the sofa in my own house. She stayed with me Monday & Tuesday, she’s here tonight and then she’s going to stay at Dad’s tomorrow before going to Yew Trees for the weekend. Then hopefully she’ll be able to go home. But, of course my mum’s been round the family doing the whole ‘woe is me’ story, nobody knows how hard her life is and how hard work Leanne is… well excuse me…. I’ve fucking managed. And not only have a managed with Leanne, I’ve had Abigail too and carried on going to work… all without too much upset… so woe is fucking me!!! Ya know!!! Pff… Makes my fucking arse laugh… At the end of the day I’m 22, I shouldn’t have the responsibility of a 17 year disabled sister, but ya get on with it don’t ya… except if ya my mum, then ya have a paddy and say it’s too hard and ya get a fucking week off. When was the last time I had 1 fucking day off, never mind a week!!! 

So there, rant over, for now anyway! 

Sooo not prepared for xmas, it’s not even funny now! I’ve got about 10 days to get my ass in gear. I’m going late night shopping tomorrow and plan to get my xmas cards and wrapping paper then so I can at least get the cards sent out. Then I plan to go to town first thing Saturday morning and either next Friday or Saturday to finish the xmas shopping… cutting it fine or what? 

Another good result for Liverpool last night… beating Marseille 4 – 0, goals from Gerrard, Torres, Kuyt and Babel securing their place in the last 16 of the Champions League! Now bring on Man U Sunday for the premier league and Chelsea next week in the Carling Cup… 

That’ll do for now, I shall probably update tomorrow when I’ve seen the Psychologist again, I’m feeling good about the counselling tomorrow cos I have several ‘topics’ I want to discuss! 

Catch ya Later XxXxX

It’s bad, it’s really bad…

I’ll warn you now… I’m in a very low mood today and may sound like I’m whining, which to be honest I probably am, but I’m feeling very sorry for myself so I don’t care. 

I feel like absolute shit and have done for a few days now, I don’t know why I got myself all excited about the possibility that I might still have feelings for Abigail’s Dad cos now I feel about as bad as I did the minute he said to me ‘I’ll stay with you if you get rid of it’ nearly 6 years ago! Yep, you’ve guessed it, I spoke to him about it… oh how foolish ay? I’ve been trying to pin him down all weekend to no avail he kept saying he was gonna come and didn’t. Anyway he rang me this afternoon and I told him about what I had been thinking and he said that he wasn’t still angry with me for what happened with Abigail, he doesn’t have ANY feelings for me whatsoever and the only reason he rings me etc is for his own physical fulfilment… So there you go. I said if that was the case then I didn’t want to speak to him again and he was just like ‘orate then’. He was a proper heartless arse with me on the phone, I really thought I might be able to speak to him properly but obviously I was wrong, very very wrong. 

I don’t know why I expected any different really… I mean when was the last time my life went, in any way, as I planned or would like it to? I seriously feel like the fates are conspiring against me to make me as unhappy as I can possibly be.  

Obviously, I am always going to be alone, struggling on my own, to get through every day as I am now. I’m literally struggling with everything at the moment, with money, with being a Mum, with life and I can’t imagine a time when things will be any easier. And, God, I am sooooo sick of having to fight this hard to get anything I want. I know life can’t always be easy but, seriously, does it have to be this hard?  

I feel so alone and like I’m drowning under the pressure of it all and I just can’t get to a point where I can breathe, no matter how hard I try. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have Abigail I really wouldn’t see any reason to carry on now, and I know that sounds so over the top but its true and I’m so tired of pretending that I’m alright. I’M NOT!!!!!!!! I’m not even close to being alright now… and I truly don’t ever see a time that I will be alright again, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no happy ever after for me, this is all there is, and that really is the scariest thought of all….

What a year it’s been ay?

I’m soooo cold just lately it’s unreal! I don’t normally feel the cold as much as some people but since Sunday I’ve been FREEZING! I’m waering 3 – 4 layers of clothes for work! It’s ridiculous!  

Anyway, that’s my little moan about the temperature recently! Things are much the same as they were the last time I posted. Life pretty much consists of work, home, bed! Exciting ay? Had a pretty boring weekend… Although I did go to the end of season scooter do at the club with Sue & Andy. It was a pretty good night, me & Sue somehow ended up stood with the local witches coven (actually they came and stood with us) now ordinarily I don’t like these woman, they’re HUGE gossips and are very judgemental of other people when their own lives are far from perfect. But, actually in that situation they were quite funny… you just have to make sure you don’t tell them ANYTHING about you’re life!! Like I said though, all in all it was a good night and there was no blood shed on my doorstep so that’s always a bonus. 

Saturday night did get me to thinking though, cos it was at the end of season scooted do last year when I met twathoop. Meaning I’ve wasted the best part of a year on someone that will clear never give me what I want from life! Plus… what a shit year it’s been… I mean things never really got off to a great start with twathoop, the first month or so was ok cos we both knew where we stood but when I started developing feelings for him, it went downhill from there. Throw into that the fact that in this year, Abigail’s been in hospital twice, I’ve started a new job, broke my arm, gone back to work, got appendicitis and ended up in hospital and then went back to work, there’s no wonder I don’t know if I’m on my arse or my head is there? Probably a good as time as ever to start the dread Clinical Psychologist Counselling thing… Tomorrow!! Oooh… Goody goody! 

For those of you that are interesting… I chose to go for option 3 from last times blog, following careful consideration of the facts that presented themselves in the last week, including but not limited to: the fact that he now appears to be ignoring me, that I’m now not entirely sure how I feel about him, whether I love him or just want what I can never have as always and… the biggy… heard some very interesting rumours about him involving, but again not limited to sex with prostitutes and nearly OAP’s… Hmmm… Not quite as appealing now! 

Nothing to report really with my secret secret crush… We’ve exchanged a few emails but that’s about it… I don’t think he’s getting the message! Maybe he’s shy ay? 

Anyway… Can’t think of anything else to say! Catch ya later!  

Finally got my tattoo done!!

I’ve had a tattoo!! I’ve wanted one doing for a bit now, but my sister barred me from having it done before the wedding with me being a bridesmaid (I can’t remember if I said at the time or not, and I can’t be arsed to check! Lol!). Saturday afternoon I popped in for a quick cuppa with Chelle and drove past the tattoo shop. So on a whim I rang them when I got in and said did I need an appointment or could they fit me in and they told me to go down in half an hour! So I did! I’ve had 3 little stars on my left wrist/forearm area, but unfortunately my Bluetooth connection is down and I can’t upload a pic, but as soon as I’ve sorted it I’ll post a pic! 

Nothing to report with Twathoop. It’s still eating away at me, but I’ve not really seen him. I did pass him briefly on Monday and we said a general hello type thing and he was next door tonight but I’ve not seen him. I think I’m not gonna feel any better or get over him unless I know for definite where I stand, otherwise it’s going to continue to eat away at me! Grrr… which basically means I’ve got a few options.. 1) Pluck up the courage to speak to him about it… 2) take the less brave action of writing him a letter spilling my feelings out and leaving my number thus, leaving it up to him to get in touch or 3) do neither of these things and let it eat away at me forever til I end up in the loony bin! Any advice welcome! Oooh, ooh… just thought of an option 4) I have got to change one of the brake lights on my car, maybe I should wait and do it when he’s next door and play the ‘damsel in distress’ and make out I can’t do it so he comes and helps me and take it from there? What do we think?

 Last night I had a great night. I went to the Talbot with Chelle and Ally, we were joined later by Matt and Jamie and we had a right laugh. The footie was on too, and the atmosphere was good. I’d not been to the Talbot before, we had some tea there as well and it was lovely and I’m hoping to get invited again soon! (hint, hint guys!! Lol!!) 

What about the football last night then… What was it about a fortnight ago when we played Besiktas and lost 2 – 1… played them again last night… Only went and won 8 – 0!! Benyoun got a hat-trick, Peter Crouch scored two, Babel scored two and Gerrard scored one! It got a little embarrassing for the other team in the end to be honest but hey! It’s all good for Liverpool… sends a good message out to the rest of Europe! They now have the record for winning by the biggest margin in the Champions League! Not a bad record to have really!! 

     <— Babel’s amazing ‘back heel’ goal!! (Matt told me that that’s what it was called last night when I said it was a back kick! Not far off was I?) 

Abigail’s ill again. We were back at the Dr’s Monday night and she’s got another dose of antibiotics… BUT, I think I may have convinced them to refer her to the hospital… Yes, shocking I know! Cos, now she can barely hear anything most of the time and the Dr seems to think it’s cos her tonsils and adenoids are permanently swollen and blocking her ears! So, I’ve got to take her back to the GP in a fortnight so he can review her while she’s not infected (although, chances are, in two weeks, she’ll be re-infected seeing as it’s only 3 weeks since her last dose!!) and if everythings still swollen he will refer her!!! It’s progress though isn’t it! 

Oh, just before I go… this is how the fates and cosmos conspire against me just lately… the bloke I have a secret crush on (not the crush from before a different one) decided to speak to me for the first time properly today… when I have the BIGGEST, red zit on my chin!! Great!! 

Oh and check out the dream page cos I’ve been having some well dodgy dreams just lately… Including several involving sex in various ways, which, according to the definition it quite literally means I want some… well… I didn’t need a Dream Dictionary to tell me that, I assure ya!! I’m all too aware of that little fact! 

Catch ya later XxXxX 

Glutton for punishment?

I know I’ve been a little quiet this week haven’t I? But honestly I didn’t even know where to start. I’ve spent all week trying to organise my thoughts into something vaguely coherent and so far, I’m not doing so well with it.  

So he’s been up every night this week at the next door neighbours which hasn’t helped me focus on things but hey… Monday night I drive home from work and all the way back I’ve got this nagging dread that he was gonna be there when I got back, and guess what, I was right. I went out to him as he went back to his car and we spoke for a minute or two on the street. He said his head was a lot better and that Andy had gone up to him while he’d been at the neighbours and they’d sorted everything out. Tuesday, he was there again and I’d decided that I needed to talk to him about things, things that happened when everything kicked off before and about things now. So I shouted him as he went and said ‘Have ya got a minute’ and he said ‘I’ve got two for you’ and came in. We had a little chat about things from ages ago, about what happened on Saturday night and about why he’d come up (which, apparently he couldn’t remember) but I wanted to ask him where this left things now, and I bottled it! So things were really now clearer than they were 5 months ago. I haven’t really seen him since then, he was at the neighbours Wednesday and Thursday, Wednesday night he waved to me as he went back to the car but Thursday I was in and out a bit so I didn’t see him.  

Now, I’m literally feel like I’m dying inside. I want him soooo much it physically hurts but I hate myself for wanting him. I know that if I’d seen him last night, I’d have spoken to him and invited him round, but he’d already gone when I got in from work, which has made me feel worse about not saying anything substantial on Tuesday when I had the chance. I know everyone is just going to say I’m stupid for giving him the time of day, or that I’m selfish for not considering Abigail in all of this, but I have, believe me I have. But, I’d convinced myself I was over him when clearly I’m not. The second I saw him last week, my heart was in my mouth, when he walked in the club and started talking to Dayna I was on the verge of tears, in the middle of the club! What I feel for him now is still as fresh and raw as it ever was, when I went round Sunday morning to make sure he was ok, he like rubbed my arm and said ‘ya shouldn’t worry about me’ and all I could think was I wanted him to take me in his arms and hold me. And again when I was talking to him Tuesday.   

And I can’t talk to anyone cos they all just think I’m stupid!

GOD, I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!