Once You’ve Learned to Be Lonely

Oh it’s that time again, Song Lyric time! I’ve been trying to explain how I feel about certain things and why I behave certain ways and I find it hard… I’ve heard this song a couple of times, my dad listens to the artist that sings it a lot. Anyway, it just about sums up how I feel on this particular subject…  

I know friends & family in particular find it odd that I react to new people the way I do and why I don’t open up easily, some even think I’m hard hearted, I don’t think I am at all. I can’t explain why I do these things, but I know I’ve been on my own for almost all of the past 5 years and that’s gotta change you in some way or another surely? Maybe that’s why? I don’t know anyone who has been alone for that period of time to compare it to, so I’m just guessing! 

The song, unsurprisingly, is called Once You’ve Learned to Be Lonely;- 

You’re asking me to open up
I’m tryin’ my best to give enough
To keep this love alive
It wouldn’t be so hard for me to do
If it hadn’t have been for all my heart’s been through

But once you’ve learned to be lonely
And lonely is the only thing you’ve known
It begins to feel like home
It becomes your comfort zone
Once you’ve learned to be without someone
And settle for the silence of an empty room
Oh,it changes you
There’s a lot you have to undo
Once you’ve learned to be lonely

It becomes a habit of the heart
To be afraid and even start
To try and love again
I want to give you myself to you
But I’ve been alone that I’m scared to move But once you’ve learned to be lonely
And lonely is the only thing you’ve known
It begins to feel like home
It becomes your comfort zone
Once you’ve learned to be without someone
And settle for the silence of an empty room
Oh,it changes you
There’s a lot you have to undo
Once you’ve learned to be lonely

I’ve built walls but I feel them falling down
Touch by touch your love is my way out

But once you’ve learned to be lonely
And lonely is the only thing you’ve known
It begins to feel like home
It becomes your comfort zone
Once you’ve learned to be without someone
And settle for the silence of an empty room
Oh,it changes you
There’s a lot you have to undo
Once you’ve learned to be lonely

There’s a lot you have to undo
Once you’ve learned to be lonely 

That’s it anyway, hope that’s cleared things up or just helped you to understand where I’m coming from! Ciao!

On My Own…..

It seems the Champions League Glory that I craved was not to be. Gerrard & Co put in a sterling performance and to be fair, they didn’t deserve to lose on the night. They played really well in the first half, then A C Milan went and scored that flukey goal in the dying seconds of the half, and I’m sorry, it has to be said, call me bitter and twisted if you want, the ball came off the strikers arm…. That’s a hand ball!!! Should’ve been disallowed!! Anyway…. Liverpool seemed slightly disheartened in the second half. They had a couple of good chances, but then Rafa started making some very odd changes… I don’t like to question Rafa, cos, clearly the man knows more about football than I do… but bringing Harry Kewell on, really?? The man has played about 45 minutes of football all season… Why would ya risk it in the final, he’s worth a goal for the other side every time he steps on the pitch! So I almost recovered from that shocker, when he then takes off Mascherano, who, all game had done an amazing job of shutting down Kaka. So he comes off, and guess what, Kaka makes a devastating run through and… it’s 2 – 0! Great!! Then, 4 minutes to go, 2 – 0 down, what does he do, bring on a shocking defender… to what? Defend the 2 – 0 deficit we have going on?? Just what we need! Liverpool did get one back, and I think if we’d just had a couple more minutes we’d have equalised! But, what will be will be, there’s always next year! Poor Stevie G was gutted though… Bless him!! 

In good news though… The Washers Sorted!!!! It seems the idiots at Currys finally got their acts together and it was delivered today. All that’s left to do is try it, so fingers crossed… But surely after all the crap I’ve been through with this washer, I must be in for some good luck now!! 

Still not heard anything from Twathoop, I’ve been thinking about this whole mess all day and I’ve come to the conclusion, I can’t deny my feelings, you can’t chose or control who you fall in love with, and even if I could, I’m not sure that I’d want to, I mean, where would the excitement in that be? So it’s time to refer to another of my favourite Musical Songs that I’ve been singing to myself all day, this one is from ‘Les Miserables’ and it about sums up how I’m feeling about the whole situation at the moment: 

On my own…..Pretending he’s beside me…..All alone……I walk with him til morning….Without him, I feel his arms around me….And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me 

In the rain….The pavement shines like silver….All the lights are misty in the river…..In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight…. And all I see is him and me forever and forever 

And I know it’s only in my mind….That I’m talking to myself and not to him….And although I know that he is blind….Still I say… there’s a way for us 

I love him…But when the night is over…He is gone….The rivers just a river….Without him, the world around me changes….The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers  I love him…. But everyday I’m learning….All my life…. I’ve only been pretending….Without me, his world will go on turning….The world is full of happiness that I have never known I love him….I love him….I love him…..But only on my own Like I said, that pretty much sums up how I feel.  Nat’s coming over tonight, so hopefully I’ll be able to talk to her about all this, see what she makes of it! Should be a good laugh again. I’m still hoping that maybe twathoop will come round seeing as he’s off work but I doubt very much he will. I’ve come to realise that I can’t predict him!! Anyway, Catch Ya Later X x X x X

I don’t know to love him

Well, twathoop did turn up last night… at fooking 12.30 am, while I was in bed! He’d been out all day, absolutely wrecked, fell asleep in the taxi home and the driver couldn’t wake him up so he took him to A & E! Where he did come to, he then argued with some nurses! The taxi apparently then took him to Shirebrook to get some money to pay for the HUGE fare, before getting dropped off at my house… not really sure why?? Anyway, he then decided to try and bang on the bedroom wall to wake next door up… again not really sure why? Before keeping me awake for 3 hours talking to me, then when he finally fell asleep he was snoring like a pig! So I am now sat at my desk, completely knackered. Went to wake him up this morning to take him home before I came to work and he wouldn’t wake up, then when he did, he decided he’d rather stay there all day… yeah righto! So I’ve ragged him out of bed and took him home! So, I’m back to being confused… I mean it is, sort of a good sign that he shows up at my house,  cos I suppose, that does mean that he thinks about me, but on the flip side, I could live without it! I don’t know… it’s hard!! I’ve been listening to my ‘Andrew Lloyd Webber’ Collection CD (Yeah, go on laugh away… but I quite like some of the Musical Songs!) And I listened to ‘I don’t know how to love him’ from Jesus Christ Superstar, and I think it about sums up how I feel about him… 

I don’t know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I’ve been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I’ve seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don’t know how to take this.
I don’t see why he moves me.
He’s a man. He’s just a man.
And I’ve had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He’s just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I’d come to this.
What’s it all about?
Don’t you think it’s rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I’m the one who’s always been
So calm, so cool, no lover’s fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I’d come to this.
What’s it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I’d be lost. I’d be frightened.
I couldn’t cope, just couldn’t cope.
I’d turn my head. I’d back away.
I wouldn’t want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

 

Doesn’t really help me decide what to do though does it… I wish I was ‘strong enough’ to tell him to f**k off, but I’m not really sure if that’s what I want… If I’m honest, I like the excitement of him turning up at that time (I don’t like being knackered though…) but surely we can’t carry on like this forever?!?